~ Don’t keep score as to how many times each of you gets to orgasm. One friend confided, “I told my husband that my orgasm is just as important as his and that I refuse to have sex unless he is going to invest the time and energy into my orgasm as well.” Instead of her experiencing orgasm as often as he wanted to, he only experienced it as often as she needed to, which wasn’t all that often. Several months later she was devastated over the feelings of resentment in their relationship and realized that requiring fair play in their sex life was a bit unfair. Your marital relationship is designed by God so that you can complete each other, not compete with each other. If he needs a sexual release and you don’t, providing a quick fix (also known as “a quickie”) will show that you aren’t a scorekeeper but a cooperative team player. Such sensitivity to his needs will cause him to be your biggest fan.
~ Don’t hide your body from your husband thinking you don’t measure up to the latest fashion models. Most men really don’t care about that. What they do care about, however, is the enjoyment of taking their wife in through their eyes, knowing that this is sacred property belonging solely to them. Randy tells of his discovery of the beauty of his wife:
Thinking that maybe [all the sexual gratification I was collecting through my eyes] was why I’d lost my appetite for [my wife] Regina, I began starving my eyes. I couldn’t believe what happened! Regina is no longer just a friend. She’s become a goddess, at least to me. And it’s funny-the more I draw only from her, the more my tastes change. Those little rolls of fat on her back and sides used to bother me. Now, as I run my finger over them, they actually turn me on. Isn’t that crazy? And that little bit of rear end that hangs below her underwear? Before, it only emphasized to me how much weight she’d gained. Now, that little piece just explodes my desire for her. Regina may not be a supermodel, but I’m no day at the beach either. Yet to me, she’s like Miss America now.1
Let me warn you that when you experience sexual fulfillment on this deep level (not just a physical level, but also a mental, emotional, and spiritual level as well), you may notice some strange occurrences. Because of the deep emotional release that experiencing an orgasm can be for a woman, you may find yourself bursting into tears in his arms afterward. Or you may begin laughing hysterically (not at your husband, but with your husband). Perhaps you will be motivated to put on some worship music and worship together, just the two of you in your bedroom. You just never know how you are going to be inspired to react when you feel so incredibly fulfilled from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes and all points in between (including your mind, heart, and spirit, of course). You may even find yourself enjoying and initiating sex more often than your husband does!
(1) Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook, 2000), 138.
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Excerpted from Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved. Published by WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO 80921. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.