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Cultivating Intimacy in Lovemaking- Part 2


~  Don’t keep score as to how many times each of you gets to orgasm. One friend confided, “I told my husband that my orgasm is just as important as his and that I refuse to have sex unless he is going to invest the time and energy into my orgasm as well.” Instead of her experiencing orgasm as often as he wanted to, he only experienced it as often as she needed to, which wasn’t all that often. Several months later she was devastated over the feelings of resentment in their relationship and realized that requiring fair play in their sex life was a bit unfair. Your marital relationship is designed by God so that you can complete each other, not compete with each other. If he needs a sexual release and you don’t, providing a quick fix (also known as “a quickie”) will show that you aren’t a scorekeeper but a cooperative team player. Such sensitivity to his needs will cause him to be your biggest fan.

~  Don’t hide your body from your husband thinking you don’t measure up to the latest fashion models. Most men really don’t care about that. What they do care about, however, is the enjoyment of taking their wife in through their eyes, knowing that this is sacred property belonging solely to them. Randy tells of his discovery of the beauty of his wife:

Thinking that maybe [all the sexual gratification I was collecting through my eyes] was why I’d lost my appetite for [my wife] Regina, I began starving my eyes. I couldn’t believe what happened! Regina is no longer just a friend. She’s become a goddess, at least to me. And it’s funny-the more I draw only from her, the more my tastes change. Those little rolls of fat on her back and sides used to bother me. Now, as I run my finger over them, they actually turn me on. Isn’t that crazy? And that little bit of rear end that hangs below her underwear? Before, it only emphasized to me how much weight she’d gained. Now, that little piece just explodes my desire for her. Regina may not be a supermodel, but I’m no day at the beach either. Yet to me, she’s like Miss America now.1

Let me warn you that when you experience sexual fulfillment on this deep level (not just a physical level, but also a mental, emotional, and spiritual level as well), you may notice some strange occurrences. Because of the deep emotional release that experiencing an orgasm can be for a woman, you may find yourself bursting into tears in his arms afterward. Or you may begin laughing hysterically (not at your husband, but with your husband). Perhaps you will be motivated to put on some worship music and worship together, just the two of you in your bedroom. You just never know how you are going to be inspired to react when you feel so incredibly fulfilled from the top of your head to the bottom of your toes and all points in between (including your mind, heart, and spirit, of course). You may even find yourself enjoying and initiating sex more often than your husband does!

(1) Stephen Arterburn and Fred Stoeker, Every Man’s Battle (Colorado Springs: WaterBrook, 2000), 138.

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Excerpted from Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved. Published by WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO 80921. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.  

Cultivating Intimacy in Lovemaking- Part 1

In order to maximize fulfillment in your marriage, consider implementing these practical dos and don’ts for cultivating genuine intimacy in your lovemaking:

~  Be prepared for anything by making feminine hygiene a daily routine. Nothing will keep you from feeling the freedom to engage in spontaneous physical intimacy faster than unshaven legs or a feeling of personal uncleanliness. Shave your legs as often as possible and cleanse your genital area daily with a mild soap such as Summer’s Eve Intimate Cleanser. Making feminine hygiene as much a part of your morning or evening routine as brushing your teeth will go a long way in giving you the confidence to pursue sexual fulfillment anytime you feel the desire to engage in physical intimacy.

~  Keep a dim light on and open your eyes often while making love. You don’t turn off the lights and close your eyes to feel more intimate conversing with a friend, do you? My experience has been that when it’s dark or when I keep my eyes closed, I’m far more tempted to allow my mind to wander into someone else’s arms. Making frequent visual contact with my husband keeps me focused on him and keeps my thoughts in the pleasurable experiences of the present, which certainly adds to my sexual fulfillment. Drink in the beauty of you and your husband engaged in the act of pleasuring each other sexually and enjoy the view.

~  Train your brain to focus on your husband during sex. Some women have had so many sexual experiences with other men that they find physical intimacy with their husband difficult to concentrate on or even boring. What a pity that we’ve learned to mistake intensity for intimacy. While you may think being sexual with a stranger would be more exciting, it certainly wouldn’t be intimate at all, and that is what women truly crave. Intimacy occurs only as a result of knowing each other inside and out. You aren’t going to fully experience that with a stranger, but only with the man you live and grow old with. If you need to train your mind to focus on your husband during sex, try meditating on the word husband or worship. Remind yourself frequently, “This is my husband. Pleasuring him sexually is an act of worship to God.” Even pray during your sexual moments that God would maximize your intimacy by helping you to focus exclusively on each other.

~  Be open to discussing ways that your husband can enhance your physical pleasure and inquire about the same for him. Often we know our own bodies and what feels good far better than we know the opposite sex’s body, and most men are very open to learning all they can about the fascinating area that is intended exclusively for his pleasure. Also feel free to discuss sexual fantasies with each other, as long as you are both comfortable with such intimate conversation. Remember, a woman is most aroused by what she hears, and sensual words spoken between the two of you while engaging in physical intimacy can cause a woman to melt like butter.

to be continued…

Excerpted from Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved. Published by WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO 80921. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.