Over the past several weeks, I’ve been bombarded with emails from SCW readers bemoaning the fact that their HUSBANDS are the ones who have robbed them of their sexual confidence, through a variety of different ways such as pornography use, negative comments about her weight, too many paranoid questions about her past relationships, unrealistic expectations in the bedroom, etc. etc. Then this week, I received this email from Jerry saying:
I caught just the tail end of your interview today on the radio. I wish my wife would have had your book to read 10 years ago. The intimacy has all but left our 22 yr marriage. I believe that we are both committed to one another so long as we both shall live, but this void in our relationship is very difficult for me to deal with. I have attempted to discuss it with her to no avail. I have offered counseling, suggested discussing with her physician, left books on her desk, begged, and bribed. I had to give up years ago or I was going to burn up with the anger, frustration, etc. If you get around to writing a book for men I will likely read it… From the little I heard, you are doing vital work for healthy marriages. Keep it up.
My heart breaks for Jerry and the thousands of couples in similar situations. It seems like whether a couple has been married many years or just a few months, there’s often so much pain and disappointment in the sex lives of both husbands and wives.
SO… I’m thinking about writing a book to help men understand what a vital part THEY play in building their wives’ sexual confidence. What do you think about:
THE SEXUALLY SAVVY HUSBAND:
Discovering the Secrets to Helping Your Wife Blossom in Bed
Do you think it would be helpful to marriages? Do you think men would read it? Would you buy it for your husband so that he can understand what you REALLY need from him in the relationship in order to be a sexually confident wife? What would you want YOUR husband to understand about you?
Eager to hear your feedback,
Yes, I would read it. You might want to think about co writing it with your husband. I would encourage my wife to read it also, since she has been so good about me reading “The Sexually Confident Wife” first and then asking her to read it.
I just really liked your style in “The Sexually Confident Wife.” It was a good balance of authenticity, solid information, and a straight forward but not in your face rude style.
Crystal Keilers says
Absolutely. I think it’s important that men also know they have what it takes. So often men feel defeated and incapable of pleasing their woman because the woman doesn’t enjoy sex. Often times it’s NOT complicated, when a woman feels connected she “wants” to offer her body. (However, I know there are exceptions). Men can foster that connection in simple ways—“talking” with her, telling her what a good mother she is to your children, or that she looks hot in those jeans, bringing home her favorite something, writing notes, or telling her you’re so grateful that God blessed you with such an incredible woman…. These are just a few of my thoughts.
Great idea Shannon!
I would be first in line to buy it as well as my sister and many friends!
I understand “Jerry’s” situation very well. My wife and I have the same problems. As a young teen she was abused (molested, not intercourse- but still just as devistating) by a step father, and although we have been married for many, many years, our sex life has gone from very in-frequent to non-existent the last 5 or 7 years. Another thing the younger kids don’t realize, it that normal sexual desires and the need for satisfaction and intimacy continue not only into the early “senior years” but even into the late or later senior years. I was visitng someone in an assisted living home, and several men and a couple of women let me know that they were either still sexually active or very frustrated that they couldn’t be (& these were folks in their late 70’s and early 80’s!!)
So in your new book, which I feel you absolutely must write, please do some extensive research for seniors and don’t be afraid ask these seniors direct questions! And then don’t be afraid to publish the results.
I also agree with “Rich’s” comment that you should seriously considering your husband as a co-author.
You go girl!
Do it!! As a local Women’s Ministries leader for my church I hear a lot from women who struggle with intimacy in their marriages. I was blessed to be raised in a family where it was not taboo to discuss and seek out help/resources. We all struggle from time to time, but with in a marriage intimacy is sooo important. I once heard a ministry leader describe it as the temperature gauge of your marriage. I was so excited to see your book – figuring I still have more to learn and excited to have another resource to share with women who share this burden with me. When I showed my husband your website he pre-ordered a book for me and two to give away! His comment – where’s the book for us guys to read?
So yes, there is a need and there is an audience!
Shannon, Thanks for posting the question. I think men are oblivious to how much damage they are doing to their wives when they view porn. If men had any idea how wonderful real life sex can be with a partner who is totally comfortable in her own body and feels safe in the love of her husband, they would drop those magazines/websites in the trash. Satan wants to rob us of the joy that God intends in every area of our lives. Yes, men need to know this.
Could you also get this message to popular women’s magazines that porn does NOT help improve marital bliss!!
Go for it.
I would certainly recommend a book such as that be written. It is a difficult line to walk, but most of what is written for believers revolves around male sexuality as something to hold at bay and emphasizes the sin and lust and all the bad stuff.
I applaud you for encouraging women to embrace and nurture their sexuality in a positive way. That is something that I think is needed for men.
Unfortunately, I do realize how much harm pornography can do to a relationship. But because of years of no sexual relationship with my wife, it sometimes feels like the only outlet I have for my sexual needs. I know that it is an addiction and by no means an answer. I feel so helpless and afraid to discuss sex with my wife. I’m praying she has ordered your book.
And yes…if you write a book for men I would get it.
Shannon Ethridge says
Thank you for bravely and humbly posting your comments, and know that I’m praying for your wife to gain a better understanding of your sexual needs. In the mean time, however, I’d encourage you to try to understand HER sexual & emotional needs. Consider ordering The Sexually Confident Wife and offering to read it WITH her, explaining, “This is not about me. I want to understand YOU better and learn how to be a better husband to you by understanding your unique sexual and emotional needs. Will you let me become a student of you? Will you teach me how you long to be treated?”
Many couples have told me they are reading it together and it’s drawing them together emotionally (and therefore sexually) in incredible ways. I hope the same can be said of your marriage very soon!
Richest blessings as you read,
My husband said he would definitely read it, he also suggests co-writing it as mentioned in other comments. I read through your book first and then offered to read through it again with him. My husband and I greatly appreciate your listening to God and writing this book, it has made an impact on our lives. Thank you and please write the bood for husbands.
I got your book today in the mail and “caught” my hubby flipping through it two times (I wondered why the tv wasn’t one when I was fixing dinner!) I told him no reading ahead allowed! We’re excited to learn through this first book. And he already asked at dinner if I thought you would write one for men. 🙂
I would absolutely read this if you wrote it. I bought SCW for my spouse. I love her to death and I think that she knows that. I stress to her every day that no matter what she looks like she is still the same person I married almost 16 years ago. I bough SCW for her to read and see that she has it in her to be a sexual goddess. I have read most of the SCW book and a lot of what you have in there is stuff I stress upon her on a weekly, sometimes daily basis. I think this is a great idea
John Hernandez says
You already know what I think about this idea! Go for it!
Shannon- I don’t know that my husband would read it, but that is because he doesn’t read much. However, I agree with a previous comment that there isn’t much positive for the male believer out there. Also, I think it would be great for husbands everywhere to understand the negative effects of porn from their wives point of view. I mean really understand the confidence that it steals, as well as trust. The hurt that is causes is undescribable and I know far too many Christian couples that have been devastated by it. Go for it! If anyone could do it right, you could!!
Yes, I think it could be a huge tool God could use!
I think the biggest challenge would be getting them to read it. So maybe something a couple could read together, or aternate chapters, one for the guy, one for both, something to keep the wife involved to keep the momentum going….
I would read it
Heck yes! I would absolutely buy it for my husband! I agree that it might be difficult to get him to read it, so maybe if it were short or abridged, that would be helpful! But I am definitely for it! Sexually Confident Wife has been amazing so far! I am about halfway through.
Yes, Please Write It!
I am very blessed to have a husband who meets my every want and need. But, I do know several women who are not as spoiled as I am, including a friend who has been married for almost 20 years and has four children…but she has never had an orgasm. (And her husband doesn’t understand why she can “live without it”) He’s not mean, just doesn’t understand, and I believe he would read it.
There’s also the issue of how to bring God into the bedroom. I think the husband and wife both have to get hold of that concept for it to work. And even in good Christian homes, sex is anything but holy.
What a project for you and your hubby! I am looking forward to its release!!!!
Micah Finch says
PLEASE WRITE THIS BOOK!!!!!
I would be the first in line to get it and my husband would read it… i just asked him. 🙂 I LOVED your book for wives… I read it and cried… it helped me soo soo much… I wanna say thank you for that at least…
I want my husband to “read my mind” and know what I mean when I say things… It’s SO HARD for me to explain how I feel to him… I’m also bipolar (we think) so that doesn’t help much. Stand up for us Shannon… we all need a woman good with words like you to stand up for us and explain to men what we’re thinking and feeling!
Love you woman… praying for the holy spirit to come upon you.
Jenni Penar says
Sounds like a great idea! I agree, this book needs to be written. I also think co-authoring it with your husband is a great idea, even though I am sure that he is a big sounding board for what you’ve written already.
David Shade says
Yes, it’s a great idea. Men could learn to be more sexually savvy. If a man wants his woman to be more sexual, consider this truism about women: The better the sex is, the more she wants it.
For the men: Make her feel special and appreciated, connect with her emotionally, and make her feel beautiful and sexy. It is the man you are outside of the bedroom that allows her to be the woman she can be in the bedroom.
And then in the bedroom, give her incredible pleasure, including vaginal orgasms in intercourse. Yes, all women are capable of having vaginal orgasms in intercourse.
I started to read your book with my wife, and we only lasted one night. She was uncomfortable with it, maybe partly because her early experiences were very different.
She was not sexually active before we were married, but was molested a few times as a teenager.
But, I will continue reading the book putting what I learn into practice and will post my experinces here. After reading Ch 3 (I think that’s it) I am trying to take advantage of the Big-O theory. I am practicing regular non-sexual affectionate touch during the day and non-sexual affectionate touch as we go to sleep at night.
I hope that your book will help me to understand my wife better and repair our relationship.
Emotional, relational, and sexual dysfunctions from the past reflect in the sexual relationship in marriage. Additionally, if the husband has not been responding like Christ during relationship difficulties, then that just adds to the problem. If you make the book about romance and technique, I think you’ll miss out on the phenomenal number of hurting couples. Clearly, however, those couples should be in marriage counseling, not trying to self-fix the marriage relationship.
Shannon Ethridge says
I think it’s great that you can be patient with your wife, as this topic can be SO very sensitive to women with sexual pain in their past. I pray God will use YOU to ease that pain in her life and help her grow very comfortable with her sexuality.
Richest blessings as you continue reading,
That is an AMAZING idea!! I purchased The Sexually Confident Wife yesterday, I’m halfway through it, and already I’m sharing things I’ve learned with my husband and I’ve encouraged him to read it as well. Just a few hours ago I said to him, “If that author ever writes a book like this for men, I’m buying it for you!!” He and I have been married just over a year, and I had started experiencing many of the issues addressed in your book; I am so blessed to have found it now rather than ten years down the line, after the little problems turned into big problems. I would love to have the other half as a resource to keep our marriage as fresh and vivacious as it is now!! God bless you!
YES!!!!! Please do!! I think that men, ok MY husband is completely oblivious as to how to get me INTO the bedroom. It’s great when we get there, but the road from the kitchen to the bedroom is a long hard one for me… Please write it, Shannon! I read Every Womans’ Battle and Every Heart Restored, and I can say your words helped my heart heal. God has gifted you with a weighty pen to speak into us, Speak!
Shannon,I am excited to get The Sexually Confident Wife book. I agree with others to get your husband’s input in the book,like Every Woman’s Marriage’. I like to read ‘his’ side of things as my husband is non-verbal,but we are working on it! I think factors like the huge monster,pornography and what deep emotional damamge it does to all parties involved,including possible past abuses even for men is never discussed. I would love to read both books with my husband as this part of our marriage has never been ‘talked’ about just ‘performed-definitely bringing God into the bedroom! I look forward to reading your books and will pray for The Sexually Savvy husband’.
I am excited for the Sexually Savvy Husband to come out. I would definitely buy it for my spouse! The struggle I experience in my marriage is my husband comes from a divorced background and was raised primarily with his mom, so healthy male sexuality was not exactly frequent conversation, I’m sure. Because of this, he doesn’t feel as confident as he could be in his own sexually and doesn’t even feel comfortable with me referring to his genitals by their proper name let alone him talking about them! I don’t want his own insecurities and discomfort to carry over into our future children’s sex education and I’d love to hear your insight through this new book. Thank you for bein such a great advocate for healthy marriages!!
I am not married, but single again. Right now I’m in a relationship with a great man, and we aren’t sexually active, but we do let each other know what is and isn’t appropriate in showing affection. I wish I had not been sexually active before I was married, and now that I’ve been single for almost three years, I want to remain pure. My sex life in my marriage was not fulfilling (there were deep issues, among them pornography), and while I don’t know if God would have me marry the man I’m dating, I know I don’t want the hurt of the past to affect a future marriage bed. I believe God will bless our efforts to remain pure for one another. But I certainly enjoy reading your blog in the hopes I will one day be a sexually confident wife!
That Girl says
Have you written it yet??? If so, I will definitely buy it for my husband, haha.
Monica Norcross says
I think you should revisit this idea… Maybe base a men’s workshop on this title, and subtitle! 🙂
Thank you, Monica. Stay tuned for our Couples at the Well Workshop!