Ten Steps Toward Sexual Freedom, Continued…
(You can read Part 1 Here)
6. Forgive Yourself
Forgiving everyone else, but harboring resentment toward yourself isn’t going to fully sever any soul ties. If you truly want to be free, you have to extend forgiveness toward the one your choices have hurt the most – yourself. If you’re like me, you were really just a little girl trapped in a grown woman’s body when you experienced all those sexual encounters. Forgive that little girl for being so hungry for attention and affection. Give her what her heart’s been yearning for all along – unconditional love and acceptance.
7. Create a “No Contact” Rule
The worst thing you can do is go down your list and try to contact all of those old partners, even if it’s under the guise of “asking forgiveness” from them. That makes about as much sense as an alcoholic returning to all of his favorite bars to say to the bartenders, “I’m sorry I came in here. I’m not going to drink any more.” The bartender is thinking, Oh yeah, so why are you here? If you’re really serious about cutting all soul ties, you’ll let go of any need you feel to reconnect with previous partners, regardless of how noble your reasons for wanting to do so may seem.
8. Create a “No Comparison” Rule
Forgive me if you’re offended by my conservative values, but if we weren’t legally married to the people we previously had sex with, we had no business having sex with them. And we certainly have no business dragging a boatload of soul ties and sexual baggage into the bedroom we share with our husbands. Commit to avoiding all comparisons of your husband to past partners – mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually. Allow your husband to be the unique individual that he is, not the lesser version of someone else you’ve known.
9. Keep Your Slate Clean
Now that you’re aware of just how much residue remains after an inappropriate relational encounter, avoid deep emotional connections with any man you aren’t married to. Establish firm boundaries in your work and social relationships such that you don’t find yourself in the middle of an emotional or sexual affair ever again.
10. Forget Intensity and Focus on Intimacy
Maybe these suggestions make you feel as if you are going on an emotional starvation diet. Not reconnect with old male boyfriends? Not flirt with my male co-workers? Not meet new men in chat rooms? Can’t I have any fun? Yes, you can, but not at your own heart’s expense, which is ultimately what happens when we create soul ties with inappropriate people. I know that such relational trysts create a lot of intensity, but intensity doesn’t last. Intimacy does. Focus on getting to know your spouse even better than you already do, and knowing yourself better. Invest your energies into spicing up your own love life rather than trying to create a new one. And when you are successful, your level of sexual confidence will soar!
Perhaps you’re reading these steps toward sexual freedom and thinking, There’s no way I can be that honest with myself! I don’t think I want to know the real truth, because the truth hurts! Indeed, facing the truth can hurt, but not nearly as much as ignoring it and letting history repeat itself.
Excerpted from The Sexually Confident Wife: Connecting with Your Husband Mind*Body*Heart*Spirit by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2008. All Rights Reserved. Published by Random House Inc, New York, NY. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.