In this blog series, I’m giving you a “sneak peek” into my “Reader Mailbag” – sharing actual questions I’ve received from (and answers I’ve shared with) folks who struggle over “Real Relationship” issues – just like you and me!
I hope the series is both eye-opening and edifying! And if YOU have a question you’d like to see answered, send it our way! You can email me directly at firstname.lastname@example.org
Mismatched Sex Drives
“My husband seems to want to have sex far more often than I do. Why can’t he just be happy with once or twice a week like normal people?”
Newsflash: Each person’s sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint, so there’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to the human sex drive.
Many men think about sex dozens of times per day, and that’s just before lunchtime. This doesn’t make him an animal, but merely a healthy, high-functioning sexual male. We all produce differing levels of sexual hormones (namely testosterone), and high-testosterone producing males often find themselves married to low-testosterone producing females, creating frustrations in both partners.
Men simply spell love “S-E-X.” Physical connection equals relational security. Lack of physical connection equals relational insecurity. This is just how men are wired, and women hold tremendous power to affirm their husband’s sexuality rather than make him feel abnormal. As one woman sympathized, “If I don’t clean, he can hire a maid. If I don’t cook, he can go to McDonald’s. But if I don’t meet his sexual needs, where can he go?”
Indeed, God created marriage as the place where our sexual needs are met in healthy and holy ways. So let’s consider the power of what I call “The Big O” hormone – oxytocin. When we are tenderly touched, oxytocin is released causing us to feel good and crave more. But if we aren’t releasing this hormone regularly, we may feel an overwhelming temptation to withdraw emotionally and physically, creating a downward spiral.
So what’s the remedy for not feeling like you want to be touched by your husband? Touch anyway. Go through the actions, and your feelings quickly catch up. Oxytocin production ensures this will be the case. I’d never be so cold as to say, “Just get over it, and get naked,” but you do the math. One naked, oxytocin-producing man plus one naked, oxytocin-producing woman equals one intimately connected couple.
The Sexually Confident Wife (click here to order)
Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage by Kevin Leman (Tyndale)