Every week we receive multiple emails from either men struggling with pornography, or wives struggling with their husbands’ use of it. (I know many women struggle with using pornography as well, but we’ll save that for another blog). I agree with Dr. Phil, who insists that users of Internet porn are cheating on their partners, and that women shouldn’t have to put up with their partners’ pornography addiction.
This is obviously an issue we’ll explore deeply if given the opportunity to write The Sexually Savvy Husband, but I thought it would be great to pick your brains now! Answer any of these questions that apply to you:
* If you’re a man who currently uses pornography, can you help us understand what’s behind this addiction for you? What do you get out of looking at pornography? Is there any way your wife can help you break this addiction? Are there ways that she unknowingly fuels it?
* If you’re a wife whose husband is currently using pornography, tell us how it makes you feel — about yourself, about your husband, about the relationship you share.
* If you’re a man (or the wife of a man) who has overcome a pornography addiction, what advice do you have for other men and their wives? How has your life & marriage changed since pornography was banned from your sex life?
As always, let’s keep the conversation positive. We all know that there’s real hurt and deep pain going on in the lives of both husbands and wives as a result of pornography use, so let’s explore what’s really going on beneath this issue and learn how we can help others become sexually savvy husbands and sexually confident wives!
Appreciating your feedback,
Shannon
Christy H. says
Hey Shannon, I got your blog address from my friend Crystal who truly knows the struggles my marriage has faced on this very subject and she also knows my deep desrire to impact other womens lives in this area. I desire to be as transparent as I can to help other marriages come through this very trial. My husband grew up with his dad looking at Playboy and things like that but it wasnt until we had been married a few years did I discover that my husband was taking on that same sin. I knew something was off in our intimacy and I watched him struggle with his connection with the Lord. I started having horrible nightmares that were very dark, and very heavy with evil things. When the Holy Spirit finally opened the door for my husband to get caught it was a life changing moment for me and I will never be the same for it. I went through all the typical anger, sadness, feelings of betrayel, feeling dirty, unworthy, like there was something wrong with me. I sought wise councel in a more mature friend and also our pastor. We did confront my husband and tell him it was breaking our marriage covenant and unless he stopped I would take our two girls and leave from the house. Thankfully he was broken and very sincere in his desire to walk away from that sin so I did stay. When I decided to stay and fight for what was rightfully mine the darkness and dreams I was having lifted from our house. It didn’t mean we were instantly ok and in fact has taken us a good three years to be where I feel God has really restored our marriage to a place that honors him. If I had to go through the fire with my husband again I most certainly would because it opened my eyes to the fact that no, we can’t prevent our husbands or anyone else for that matter for commiting sin but we can make choices that dont make it hard for them to choose that route. I took long hard looks at myself in the mirror daily and asked God how I could better serve my husband and often times it was out of shear obedience and not much more that I chose to be intimate with him or open up emotionally. I did it because I loved the Lord and I quit putting my hope in my husband so much as where it belonged and that was with God. We laid some ground rules in our house and I also started being more sensitive about what I watch, what catalogs come through the house (Victoria Secrets, etc) and also what we do on the computer and when. It has been a team effort and I am happy to say now that as God heals our marriage and grows us he is opening doors for us to share with other couples. It is just like any other sin in that if you leave it in the dark and the shameful shadows that satan wants it in then “it” will grow into this huge hairy monster. But………if you shed light on it then God is present and satan looses. Thanks for letting me share. I hope more people will comment on this topic and we can get some conversations going to help people out who are struggling. In Him, Christy
Luke says
I get more comments from hurting wives than anyone else. This post has actually become our most popular post: http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/03/11/husbands-who-watch-porn-what-are-their-wives-saying/
Have you heard of accountability software? It has been a big help to a lot of married couples who are struggling through a porn problem. I’d love to talk to you more about how our software can help the people in your circle of influence.
For more info:
1. Breaking the Lure of Internet Porn – http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/07/11/breaking-the-lure-of-internet-porn/
2. Should my wife be my accountability partner? – http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/10/24/faq-friday-should-my-wife-be-my-accountability-partner/
Shannon Ethridge says
Luke –
Thanks for your post! I checked out the website and there’s some GREAT stuff there. Ladies and gentlemen, I encourage you to check it out!
Blessings,
Shannon Ethridge
Elke says
Wow. I am so glad that I found this website, because I just found out that my husband has had an internet sexual addiction for about 3 years, and it has continued into our marriage. I am still in shock and numb from finding out, but I have been through a lot to just let it slide and take this disrespect from my husband. He is currently in California, so we have yet to discuss the issue. My biggest fear is confronting him about it, because he has attempted (and succeeded) at hiding this from me for quite some time now. It was all by mistake that I stumbled upon everything. Shannon, if you have any advice about the confrontation I would really appreciate it.
I am able to forgive him, but I know that I will want to know that I can have trust that he will stop this behavior, or just get help with it. I am currently reading an amazing book from the “Every Man’s Battle” series. It is called Every Heart Restored – A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of a Husband’s Sexual Sin. I started it last night, and it is definitely a must read for women going through this issue!
Shannon Ethridge says
Elke –
I’m so glad you’ve already stumbled upon that resource, because Every Heart Restored is EXACTLY the book I was going to recommend you read as I learned about what’s going on in your world right now.
My best advice about confronting him is to remember that this problem is not about YOU. Don’t start thinking that you’re not good enough to satisfy him, or that if you were prettier he wouldn’t look elsewhere, or anything degrading like that. Most men insist that their pornography use is completely compartmentalized from their love, attraction, and commitment to their wives, and as much as women can’t fathom that, men’s brains operate very differently from ours. This doesn’t justify his behavior, and he certainly needs healing from this addiction, for his sake and the sake of your marriage. I just don’t want you to add to the problems at hand by taking it TOO personally. This is his shortcoming, and your reaction to him (understanding that HE isn’t the problem, but the PORN is the problem that’s invaded his life) could be very instrumental in his recovery. Be his biggest cheerleader. Be honest about how it makes you feel, but try to do it in a soft, edifying way rather than in anger and hatred. That will only push him further away from you, and I know you don’t want that.
Lifting you both up for a marriage miracle,
Shannon
Ken says
Shannon-
My marriage dissolved due to my addiction to pornography. My former wife gave me numerous chances to quit but I did not (did not want to). Finally she filed for divorce. Only God has helped me kick the habit, but now I have to live with the consequences.
You asked “why?” on a previous page. To me, I found out, I was trying to fill a void that was in my heart. Mind you, my former wife was a wonderful partner who shared herself with me often, but the void was God’s love. The pictures meant nothing but the feeling made me feel loved. I know it sounds absolutley insane (and it is) but that is how I can describe it. Since then God has worked on me with miracles beyond belief, but I long to grab a hold of men, especially young men, and tell them how porn can slowly creep into their lives.
I agree with Dr. Phil, also; I committed adultry every time I viewed pornography and she had every right to file for divorce under the Bible’s guidance. If I could only go back, which is why I want to move forward and change the life of just one man who deals with this terrible addiction.
Shannon Ethridge says
Ken –
Thanks SO much for your honesty and vulnerability here! I applaud your courage for giving us a peek at what’s really behind this issue. I suspected it had to do with trying to fill a spiritual void in a man’s heart. I’m counseling a couple right now, and even though the wife is threatening (promising) that she will leave him and take their new baby if he doesn’t stop looking at pornography, the husband only says “gee, I’d miss you,” in response. Wish I could introduce the two of you so you could talk some sense into him!
Wishing you well,
Shannon Ethridge
Luke says
I got to share a bit of my own story of porn addiction on Dr. Kevin Skinner’s show, “Pornography As I See It.” I got to talk a bit about how my wife and I worked through this issue:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/11/12/breaking-free-of-porn-addiction/
I also wrote a blog post not too long ago answering a question we often get on our blog about wives wanting to hold their husbands accountable to where they go online. You may like to read it:
http://www.covenanteyes.com/blog/2008/10/24/faq-friday-should-my-wife-be-my-accountability-partner/
David says
Shannon–
My fascination with all things sexual began after being briefly exposed to numerous strip clubs (by my parents, no less) at age eight and then accidentally finding pornography outside my home at age ten. Responding to my inner guilt, I soon became a Christian through Billy Graham’s TV ministry, also at age ten.
However, all my friends in junior high, high school, and college all used pornography, too, so it was nearly impossible for me to escape the stuff. Sadly, my fallen nature was also drawn to the magnetic pull of pornography, the beautiful airbrushed girls, and the erotic stories. God designed sex and sexual release to be alluring and very exciting to men (absolutely intoxicating in my experience). But this thrill was to be realized only within the context of a life-long marriage, where sexual expression comes about as the result of focused, selfless service by the husband as an act of love to your wife. But, for many years, my sexual energies were directed not to serve another, but only myself.
As a result, sexual addiction dogged me for 38 years despite the fact that I also during this time immersed myself in theology, Bible study, church attendance, Christian ministry, etc. I also worked in a Christian parachurch organization. I KNEW inside I was a Christian (I believed all the biblical, doctrinal truth to the depths of my being), yet I still felt powerless to consistently live a holy, righteous life under control of the Holy Spirit. I just couldn’t do it–or so it seemed. Thankfully, my sinful addiction never progressed beyond viewing heterosexual porn and reading erotic stories. I never visited prostitutes or acquired an STD–not that God was impressed.
You can imagine the inner turmoil this sexual strife caused me, my marriage, and my wife. I felt like a hypocrite internally and wondered if I might really be a “tare” in the Church. However, I never believed I was living a double life as an actual hypocrite–since I didn’t like nor ever accept that what I was doing was right. I wanted God to change me and prayed toward that end. I just couldn’t seem to escape my sexual prison.
My sin caused me to become a selfish, self-absorbed man. Trying to figure out why my Christian faith really never “took hold” in my own life by reading dozens of Christian books only caused me to turn more into myself. Unfortunately, I didn’t focus on the emotional and relational needs of my sweet wife and family for over 20 years because I was so focused on trying to “fix me.”
I confessed my problem to God, to various men, and to Christian men’s groups over the years. It felt good to have my secret sin out in the open, and it helps to do this, but I still felt alienated daily from my wife and children. I desperately wanted to feel their love and acceptance of me, but that seemed impossible since they thought I, too, didn’t care anything for them.
Finally, after 38 years of sexual addiction, I found myself one day again depressed, hurt, angry, sad, frustrated, mad at God, mad at me, and in the deepest, darkest valley of my life. I noticed a regular desire to “just get unconscious” to get away from all the inner pain. So, I slept a lot. Suicide wasn’t an option, however, because, as a Christian, I didn’t believe in it and I still had faith that Almighty God would somehow deliver me, change me, transform me and cause my terrible life experiences to work together for His good this side of heaven.
At this point of absolute despair, I knew my only option was to–like Jesus washing the disciples feet–become entirely selfless. I understood that I couldn’t allow myself even a little selfishness. 97 percent selfless and 3 percent selfish wouldn’t work. I’d tried it–believe me fellow men and boys, selfishness doesn’t lead to anywhere good. I have sadly experienced half a lifetime of pain, misery of self-absorbtion. My only remedy possible was: I had to die to myself.
So, following Galatians 2:20, I now believe I have been crucified with Christ. My own life doesn’t exist anymore. It died for all intents and purposes–and it dies daily. Now, the life I live in this body I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave Himself for me. His life is the only life for me to rely upon–I can’t rely on my own self for daily functioning and existence. I died. I also reckon my flesh to be dead. I know it’s not–it’s ugly–but we play this little game. I pretend it died, too.
In the matter of a few weeks, I’ve turned around 180 degrees through God’s grace. My new focus is entirely on Jesus, my wife, and family. I’m now DOING all the things the Bible and all my marriage books told me to do over so many years. That’s the difference, I’m finally doing what I believe, not just believing what I believe.
What finally caused this transformational change when so many previous attempts to deal with my sexual addiction failed? I can only give credit to the Lord Jesus and to the power of the Holy Spirit answering my prayers. Also, another secret is, I finally chose, by an act of my volition, to die to myself, my self-absorbtion, my fleshly nature, etc. I committed suicide spiritually.
Now, I have just as much sexual desire, erotic love, and sexual fascination, but it’s all focused exclusively on my beautiful, sweet wife and in concentrated daily efforts to feed HER emotional and relational needs, not my needs. Now, after 38 years of struggle, my Christian marriage is a developing picture of the mysterious relationship between Christ and His Church.
Amazingly, my marriage didn’t really take very long to blossom once I finally decided to die and do what I know and believe.
Men and boys: don’t be so foolish, stupid, and blind as I was. Take God’s Word at face value. Do exactly what it says. Die to yourself. Deny yourself. Love God. Love and serve your neighbors. Think of others more highly than yourself. Live daily by faith in Christ’s life and power alone. It’s really simple, but I sure made it complex.
I didn’t start out strong, but, this side of Heaven, I sure plan on finishing strong. Praise God for His faithfulness and love for me when I was unfaithful and unworthy of His great love.
Sorry this is so long, but, hey, it’s my story.
Shannon Ethridge says
WOW, David — I couldn’t ask for stronger encouragement for my male (and my female) readers! Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I plan on passing it to a few couples who are currently in the thick of this very struggle, and I know it will be a huge encouragement to them!
Praising God for all He’s done in you, and all He’s doing through you,
Shannon
Beth says
The last comment by the gentleman named David really did encourage me. My husband and I have been married for 28 years. And for 28 years I have had knowledge that my husband has been invovled in pornography. Before we were married, when I was just a young girl,
I discoverd it in his apartment. But he assured me that he wouldn’t buy it anymore, especially since we were to be married. I wanted to believe it, so I did. Unfortunately and realistically it wasn’t true. For years I argued with him. I would cry and hope that it would just go away. I felt that I wasn’t “good” enough or pretty enough or experienced enough. And in those days you didn’t talk about such things especially in the church. I was just taught to “obey” my husband. I was not taught that what he was doing was adultery. He wasn’t a believer and was raised with open sexual beliefs and so I felt it was a losing battle. It has brought our marriage to the brink of destruction and caused so much unspeakable pain. The years of ignoring it has only caused me to hurt inside, and live in a constant uneasy edge of stress. He says he wants to quit, but can’t. At times I just felt like giving up and accepting it as part of life. Now I hear others opening up about these things and I realize that I am not alone.
Please write your next book, The Sexually Savvy Husband. Please give me hope. I don’t want to give up…not yet.
Who Am I says
Dear Shannon,
I have been pondering how to respond to this post, since I first read it shortly after you wrote it.
I am so encouraged to see the honest answers posted here.
I so appreciate your desire to focus on the issues going on beneath the surface.
To start with- I think some of my own background would be helpful before I answer questions.
My wife and I have been married just over 23 years. Before we were dating, in my early twenties- I was addicted to pornagraphy and sprialed down into a few times of hooking up with prostitutes in strip joints, massage parlors.
Several things helped me get of the spiral. Christian counseling, a 12 step program called Sexaholics Anonymous, and intensive prayer counseling-which I think may have been the key.
I was honest with my wife before our marriage about my struggles.
Since that time there have been a few times that I have slipped back into pornagraphy. I have had seasons of extreme temptation during our marriage to return to sexually illicit relationships- thankfully have resisted, especially during our 16 month separation.
Currently at times I browse some questionable materials, and have fleeting temptations for something illicit with someone, professional or not.
I guess all of this to say that, I don’t feel like I perfectly fit into either group- ie. actively addicted to pornagraphy, or completely free.
Hope this will help as I answer and expound upon your questions.
If you’re a man who currently uses pornography, can you help us understand what’s behind this addiction for you?
When I am most tempted, or when I knowingly push the edge of appropriate viewing, and I ask myself what is going on inside- here are some of my answers.
I long to be desired sexually. If my wife has not been very receptive to my advances, or has not had much desire of her own for me- I struggle more.
I long for sexual variety and adventure. If I have been made to feel like I want too much in that way- I become ashamed to open up about my desires.
If I have been trying to connect emotionally- about my feelings whether sexual or not- and she has not seemed to have the time, or energy to listen, or has dismissed my feelings- then other things become more of a temptation.
What do you get out of looking at pornography?
Seeing sexually explicit material gives a jolt of physical and emotional excitement.
Is there any way your wife can help you break this addiction?
Number one, is becoming a safe person for me, where I feel like I can share my sexual desires, thoughts, feelings, preferences, temptations, etc. without fearing rejection, condemnation, etc.
Frequent and varied sexual encounters.
Initiating some herself.
Making a concerted effort to be a sexually confident wife.
Are there ways that she unknowingly fuels it? When she withdraws emotionally or sexually from me, or when she puts herself down constantly and won’t believe my affirmations. Ie. I say things like I am hot for you, or please wear this you’re sexy in it, etc. etc, and she gets in that- I’m fat, I’m not sexy, etc. etc mood. After while I start to believe her.
* If you’re a man (or the wife of a man) who has overcome a pornography addiction, what advice do you have for other men and their wives?
I personally think the best thing is to create an atmosphere where both parties can share their desires,temptations, failures with each other without fear of rejection or judgement.
If you are a wife, really do all you can be to be a sexually confident wife. If you are a husband, strive to take the risk to be more and more open with your wife, even in the face of rejection.
Praying together and apart is a big help. Both growing in their relationship with Jesus through prayer, worship, and the Word, is hugely helpful.
How has your life & marriage changed since pornography was banned from your sex life?
When we are in synch spiritualy, emotionally, sexually- then pornagraphy and other sexually inappropriate stuff has little appeal.
A couple of thoughts. Illicit sex, whatever the form,is a counterfeit and ultimately is not satisfying. Just like counterfeit money is worthless, or Splenda doesn’t taste as good as sugar, or soy burgers, don’t taste like real beef. When you have the real thing- ie a good passionate sex life, then the other fades, just like when you have a good burger in hand, a soy burger just isn’t that tasty.
I never know which is the chicken and egg in this whole sexual struggle.
Do I lose touch with Jesus, then start to gravitate towards inappropriate whatever, and then she pulls away and temptation increases more, or does she start to pull away emotionally and sexually, then I gravitate towards thinking thoughts I shouldn’t etc.
My hunch, is that in 24 years and in most marriages, it is some of both. The key is to keep coming back together with Jesus and each other, and we can have more than we dreamed possible, which makes anything else, not very appealing.
Sorry this is long- hope something is helpful as you ponder your next book, or clients who need help. Shannon, I so much appreciate that you want to understand men and their struggles on a deeper level. Thanks for listening.
natalie says
hi. i actually have a question. i found out about 2 yrs. in to our marriage that my husband was looking at porn. it initially shocked me and i was furious. i was very threatening about what i would do if he ever did it again. i knew nothing about the power of porn at this point. well we are almost at 10yrs. of marriage at this point and it has continued to surface again and again over time. he does not look at it regularly but he does still look at websites online occasionally. he tries to hide it but i have found things. we have a great sexlife and he’s never been condemning of me or anything. so my question is it really a problem for us? will it lead to other problems down the road? thank you so much for your time.
Shannon says
Natalie –
If it made you furious before, I’d encourage you to not become desenstized to the severity of the issue. Not saying to make a bigger deal out of it than necessary, but it certainly sounds like it’s something you feel convicted by on his behalf, and wish he’d feel personally convicted by. For that reason, I’d encourage you to read “Every Heart Restored: A Wife’s Guide to Healing in the Wake of Her Husband’s Sexual Sin” by Fred Stoeker & Stephen Arterburn (available at https://www.shannonethridge.com). It will help you develop a game plan to INSPIRE him to change and become the man of integrity and faithful husband you (and God) desire him to be.
lifting you in prayer,
Shannon
marie says
i actually have a question too.
my husband struggles with pornography and has “fallen” a few times since we’ve been married.
he beats himself up about it.
but i feel like we’ve been in this same spot for several years (months clean, then a set back).
more than anything i hurt for him.
is there ever complete freedom?
Shannon says
Marie –
I believe with all my heart complete freedom is possible, but freedom doesn’t mean it won’t continue to be a temptation. Once a certain sin knows your name, it indeed calls and calls, and we have to be vigilant NOT to answer when it does.
Lifting you & your husband in prayer, and I applaud you for standing by your man all these years,
Shannon
Julie says
Hi, I just wanted to say that I stumbled upon this blog through looking up an event I am planning to attend which you will be participating in Shannon on April 25, 2009. I know that God is using this message board to encourage and gently admonish men and women whose views of sex are distorted.
I would like to share my story: I am a divorced woman and a mother of 4 children of which one is a boy. My ex husband was a very hurt person in many areas of his life and I know that he struggled ( and probably still does – with pornography) We had many sexual issues in our marriage and I never felt like he completely felt comfortable with me sharing his needs and desires. It was like it was easier for him to remain anonymous through erotica and viewing videos, although I did see charges on the credit card bill for strip clubs that were outrageous and when I questioned him what he could possibly spend that kind of money on there, he simply stated that he was sorry IF that hurt me. !!! I was crushed and humiliated as I was always the one who initiated any kind of sexual encounter. So I thought the inevitable thought that every woman thinks, ‘What is wrong with me?!’ I tried to move on with him and pray that his remorse and guilt would be enough to make him stop, but alas, once Satan has those grips on you – you must be vigilant in praying the armour of God and draw closer to HIM.
I think we as women too, need to openly look at ourselves and our own distorted views on sexuality. You cannot live in this world today and have a perfect view of human sexuality. It is bombarded everywhere and we need to protect our children. How we view ourselves and our understanding of what God’s intentions were in creating this part of a relationship between a man and a woman is vitally important.
I grew up in a great home, 2 sisters, Mom and Dad. My belief is that I was influenced indirectly through my Dad’s views on women and what purpose we serve to man. When I was young, I discovered pornographic magazines that I knew were my Dad’s. He had received them from our neighbour and he claimed at the time that he didn’t use them (Right!) Also, any time there were tv shows that would be revealing women’s bodies in any way, my Dad would watch it. It disgusted me on one hand but on the other, I saw how being sexual could gain a man’s attention and I unknowingly put myself in relationships as a teenager to toy with my sexuality. I think that I still struggle now as a single woman who has the desire to be nourished and have a healthy sexuality but I struggle with wanting to have sex in order to be loved. Of course, there is no one for me to have sex with, because my desire is to remain pure before God, but even that in my thought life is hard to control.
I think what I have learned so far about myself in regard to sexuality (still learning/growing,you know) is that only when each person in the marriage has a Christ-centred view of oneself and marriage can you have a purely committed healthy sexual relationship.
I don’t know what God has in store for me as I do have the desire to be married one day again – but that will be on His time – not mine! I’ve learned the hard way to not go ahead of Him and I believe He will see me through the ups and downs of singlehood – including sexuality!
Thanks again for your work in the Lord’s name!