The previous blog about “Trent’s dilemma” has sparked an interesting question from yet another husband:
Imagine you were at a conference and a man like Trent comes up to you with his wife and says, “I really like what you are saying, but my wife and I just have a huge gap in our sexual desires.” You can tell that the wife is not too thrilled. What would you say to that couple, to really inspire her to become a Sexually Confident Wife, and for him to hold onto hope and his morals until she does?
Unfortunately, I don’t think there’s a single sentence or even a paragraph in the world that would magically move a woman from one end of the spectrum to the other on the scale of sexual confidence, but I’d love for all of us ladies to offer these male readers some advice. What are some things that a husband can do to INSPIRE our sexual confidence rather than REQUIRE it? Or what are some things that he subconsciously does that kills our confidence? For example…
Intimacy BUSTERS might be:
· Forgeting to take out the trash even after we’ve asked you repeatedly (we know you’re only human and forget things on occasion, but it translates as, “I don’t really want to put forth the effort to serve you.”) Therefore, we’re not so inspired to put forth the effort to serve his needs, either.
· Expecting sex after you’ve had your head in the television all night (which often translates as, “I’d rather vegetate here on the couch than talk to you.”) Therefore, we’d rather drift off to sleep on our pillow than to have sex with you.
Intimacy BOOSTERS might be:
· Grab a bottle of lotion and say, “You’ve been on your feet a lot lately. Would you like a foot massage?” When my husband offers a foot rub, letting him work his way up with that lotion doesn’t seem like such a bad idea at all.
· Call during the mid-afternoon craziness hours and suggest, “We deserve a break tonight. If I picked dinner up on my way home, could we tuck the kids in early and have dessert by candlelight in our room?” Ministering to her needs like that may have her eating out of the palm of your hand!
Other ideas, Ladies?
What does your husband do or say that makes you put up a wall?
What do you wish he’d do to help you tear down that wall and build a bridge instead?
The sky is the limit — DREAM BIG! Let’s help men understand what we REALLY want and need in order to become the Sexually Confident Wives they dream of having.
Wishing you lots of creativity,
Shannon
David Shade says
Hello Shannon,
The problem is not with the woman, it is with the man. He doesn’t understand the 4 things a woman must have in a relationship.
1. She needs to feel appreciated
2. She needs a deep emotional connection to her man
3. She needs to feel like a sexy, feminine woman because her man lets her know she is so very beautiful.
4. She needs hot passionate sex, and needs to be seduced, enticed, teased and satisfied by her man as long as they are together.
He needs to understand that romance is ALWAYS important to the relationship and doesn’t stop just because they are married.
You are quite correct, ignoring her while watching football and then expecting her to want to have sex is not only foolish, it is disrespectful to her, and sends all the wrong messages.
And I love your idea of desert by candle light. (I might just ‘borrow’ it for one of my upcoming newsletters).
I have written a book for men, to understand these things about women, with the goal of helping them to be better men for their women. And the ultimate goal for the men to understand how to give their women incredible pleasure.
I would be glad to send you a copy for your review, and if you like it, perhaps you can send him a copy.
David Shade
Andrea says
For me, my wall automatically goes up when it seems like my husband is keeping score. If I’ve been sick or its that fun time of the month, the last thing I want/need to hear as I’m recovering is how long its been. I know how long its been!!
I love it though, when my husband just takes the time to be thoughtful by listening to me, allowing me just-mommy-time, or even just telling me he appreciates what I do. I don’t necessarily need flowers or fancy date nights (although those are nice! 😉 ) – I just need to know that I am loved and valued for being me.
NookieNotes says
Shannon, I just recently found your blog, and this is my first comment.
I appreciate your intimacy busters and boosters, they are spot on.
I have to say what sparked me to comment (this time, I’m sure I’ll do more) is David Shade’s comment.
I am one of the women who has his material and truly appreciates what he teaches men. In fact, I tell most of the men I have as friends that they would get much further learning his stuff, in their own committed relationships.
While I don’t agree with everything he says (who agrees with anyone 100%?), I’d say he is on the right track.
The part I don’t agree on is that it is ALL the man. I do think women have a responsibility as well to look at things from the MAN’S POV in many cases. We all tend to get stuck inside our own heads, thinking that we are doing everything right, while the other person is wondering where things went wrong.
That said, men who want more sex could get a lot further with the right techniques under their belts, and David certainly provides those.
Clarissa says
Shannon,
I agree with your intimacy busters and boosters. I believe intimacy requires intention on both the male female’s parts. I am now divorced, but my biggest pet peeve was when he’d walk in and I was supposed to be turned on at the snap of his fingers. I agree with building up. Little teasers during the day, etc. Or, if I am doing something, my partner offers to help. First, even if for his own self-serving needs, I feel if he offers to help me he is showing intent. It also makes me happy that he is offering. A happy woman is always more apt to “put out” so to speak.
I agree with Nookie Notes that it is about both parties. Women do hold some of the responsibility. But, I agree with David in the fact that a man truly does have to know how to take care of his woman. How to be the man. Society has changed gender roles so much over the years. Women are in the workforce and not just stay-at-home moms anymore. I manage men all day and am the only female employee at my work place. The last thing I want is to be in a relationship where I need to “instruct” my man on what to do. A man who wants to please his woman will take the initiative to learn what it takes to please his partner. I also have many of David’s materials. I read a book of his a couple years ago completely out of curiosity, but he is right on target with what women want and what men should know. David puts things into perspective so that any man can understand. As a woman, I recommend his books and products to all my friends, male and female. His knowledge is immense. His materials well written and researched. Had my ex had this knowledge available to him years ago, it sure would have changed my life.
I think the internet has become such a wonderful too for men and women to find the imformation they are seeking. Your blog is armed with a lot of great info. Thanks.
clgurl says
Hello Shannon,
Thanks for all your work on behalf of women’s sexuality. I, too, will readily admit to being a lover of David Shade’s materials after several years of personal experience. The point of women needing that emotional connection with her man was not “heard” by my partner until he read it in David’s materials, although I had been saying this for many years.
It’s easy to feel sexually confident once you know in your heart you are appreciated by your man and truly sexually satisfied by your man.
Great job on your blog!
Cyndibear says
Hello, Shannon and male readers…
The question you pose, how to move a couple who is mismatched sexually closer to being in sync is posed incorrectly, and this is why…
First, if I was ANYWHERE talking to ANYONE about my sexuality and my husband was so thoughtless that he made me seem like a prude (as Trent does in this example), the next person I would want to talk to would be a divorce attorney. Trent and his wife are far apart, period. My guess is they both have a problem, and neither one of them know what to do about it.
Second, they need to know that society has taught women to be sexually passive, yet God made things neccessary for our survival (eating, staying warm, sex) pleasurable. Pleasurable sex is our birthright!
The only possible solution to unlocking a woman’s sexuality is for her to be pleasured by her man, unselfishly, patiently, and led by her man to explore her sexuality naturally as her sexual appetite grows… Trent, in your example, like so many men, has it all backwards, and David Shade is a man who can help selfish lovers like Trent change their approach.
I appreciate the opportunity this forum has for creating greater happiness in the world!! Keep up the good work!!
Stuart says
David Shade
I am not sure I understand your premise.
“The problem is not with the woman, it is with the man.”
Are you speaking of the Trent story here? Or men in general?
David Shade says
Stuart,
I am speaking of Trent in the story here. But many men in general have the same problem of insensitive thickhead-ness, either out of ignorance or caustic social programming, but usually both.
Let’s go back to the original question posed by ‘yet another husband’:
He asked: “Imagine you were at a conference and a man like Trent comes up to you with his wife and says, ‘I really like what you are saying, but my wife and I just have a huge gap in our sexual desires.’ You can tell that the wife is not too thrilled. What would you say to that couple, to really inspire her to become a Sexually Confident Wife, and for him to hold onto hope and his morals until she does?”
First of all, the husband insulted and embarrassed his wife. The words are innocent enough as observed from an independent perspective, but the reaction of the wife explain her perspective and how she took it, and that’s all that really matters.
From the wife’s perspective, the husband had just put the entire blame and responsibility square on his wife’s shoulders. Never ever make the sexuality your woman’s responsibility. Sure, she has responsibilities, such as not to sabotage it, but if you expect her to be sexual, you must assume all responsibility for the sexuality. Women already have enough social programming telling them that they should not be sexual, even though deep down inside they really want to be. So in order for her to even be able to be sexual, she absolutely cannot be held responsible for it. She can only be sexual when her man takes all responsibility. Notice that almost all women are sexually submissive. It works for them. It allows her to be sexual, because she is not being held responsible for it. When she is submissive, she is “following”. That means you have to “lead”. To “lead” means to assume all responsibility for the sexuality, to initiate the sexuality with sensitivity, to escalate the sexuality with sensitivity, to follow through with a very satisfying experience for her, and to always allow her to feel the four things a woman must feel in a relationship such that she will be motivated and inspired to be receptive to it. See my original comment. Once she is comfortable following, she may occasionally find herself motivated to initiate, but at least she will be receptive to following.
An intelligent enlightened thoughtful husband would have asked: “Shannon, I adore my wife, and our intimacy is so very special to me, that I want to know how I can make it even better.”
Do you see the difference? The latter husband treated his wife with respect and he assumed all responsibility for what had happened and what must happen. Do you imagine that his wife would be more cooperative about following his lead?
In either case, Shannon could then begin to peel back the layers and discover the problem and then the cause. Then she would go about helping the couple.
But ‘yet another husband’ revealed his own ‘un-enlightened-ness’ by asking Shannon to say something that would inspire the wife to become more sexual. What!? The wife is already ‘not too thrilled’. The wife is fed up and is done trying and certainly does not want to be expected to ‘be more sexual’.
Here’s the deal: the husband needs to quit embarrassing and disrespecting his wife, he needs to stop blaming his wife for the lack of sex, and he needs to start taking responsibility.
You cannot “make” your woman be more sexual. If you want your woman to be more sexual, you must “inspire it in her”. That’s what “leading” is about.
Now if your woman is sabotaging the sexuality, for any one of the many reasons that Shannon discusses in her book, “The Sexually Confident Wife”, then it certainly is the woman’s responsibility to clean her own cobwebs. She needs to do that, and only she can do that. You cannot do it for her. But I propose that when you “inspire” your woman, she will be much more motivated to doing her part.
When I talk about “leading” and “inspiring”, you can start by understanding the four things that a woman must have in a relationship, which I articulated in my original comment.
I want to thank Shannon for her forum in which these issues can be discussed openly, in the interest of successful fulfilling happy unions.
David Shade
C.J. Carleton says
I do not believe that “Trent” or men in general are to blame for the problems with sex in their marriage. I believe that women have caused an impotency among men. We are trying to create an equality that is destroying men’s innate nature to lead, protect and provide for us.
If a wife participates in and enjoys sex with her husband – both are happy and satisfied. How can a husband find satisfaction in knowing that his wife is just fulfilling her marital obligation? “Well, there is your second time this week, so you can’t bother me again until Sunday!” How ridiculous. Our bodies are designed to enjoy sex within the committed marital relationship; if you are searching outside of that you are compromising ever finding it.
This leads me to my next point. Many women are carrying the burden of regret from past sexual relationships which needs to be dealt with because it will cause sexual tensions within their marriage and even problems in parenting because you can’t talk openly and honestly with your children if you have not dealt with it yourself. Promiscuity has had the same alarming rate as divorce. Do you see the correlation?
Selfishness has no place in a relationship. A relationship and all that comes with it is a two sided venture. Whether it is doing things around the home, parenting, communication or sex. Even if you think that all the problems in the relationship is your spouses’ fault there is still room for you to change. No one can be 100% at fault, in a relationship it is always a shared venture, sometimes you have to look hard to see what you need to learn but trust me there is always something to learn. And if you are working on your part than it may inspire your spouse to do the same as well.
David Shade- I am sorry but I checked your blog and it repulsed me, I would not recommend it at all. I can’t believe what you are teaching. Men I hope you are looking for more from women than how to pick up sexually responsive women in bars with cheap pick up lines. I would hope you have more respect for my gender than that.
Husbands and wives, love each other, respect each other, you are modelling to the next generation how marriage works. Be a light and an example in the world around you, there is already enough darkness to contend with.
Clarissa says
CJ. Yes, some of David’s material may upset some people. But, if you look at the heart of what he is doing, it is written for men and on the basis of how to truly take care of his partner. It is about being in a committed relationship. He doesn’t promote “bed hopping” or “pick up lines”. Before I read any of his material. Specifically “The Secrets of Female Sexuality”, I knew what I wanted in a marriage. He is dead on in his book about this. It reaffirmed what I already knew. I am now single because….my ex was sexually abusive. He suffers from “Madonna Whore Complex” He could not see me as his wife and lover after we had children. Only as a “mother figure”. Due to the fact he has a bad relationship with his mother, he took those feelings out on me. Verbally and in the form of sexual abuse. He caused me internal damage after a hysterectomy. I also would get “a day of rest” after having a baby. 1 day!!!!! That was 4 children. Also, I lost a baby and had an emergency D&C, to which 2 hours later he forced himself on me and I ended up with an infection. I stayed with him for 17 years. My poor daughters are fearful they will never be in a good relationship because of how they seen their father treat me. And you know what? He said he could do that because I was his wife! That was “his” rite as my husband. Had I David wrote his book sooner and I had found it, there may have been some hope. I was a good wife, did as my husband asked, didn’t complain and bent over backwards to make sure he was happy. And that was the treatment I earned. David’s books and materials explain to a man how important it is to be insync with his partner. The man is shown how to take the lead allowing the woman to feel comfortable, safe and secure. When she feels loved and safe she is more willing to open up to her partner. Which allows her to experience all the passion she deserves to feel. When she is happy she is more apt to want to show her expression of love in return to her partner. It opens up communication and love between them. Isn’t THAT what a marriage is about. Trust, respect, love, communication and commitment to each other? I wish someone would have showed my EX that years ago. It could have saved my marriage.
NookieNotes says
CJ said: “I believe that women have caused an impotency among men. We are trying to create an equality that is destroying men’s innate nature to lead, protect and provide for us.”
That sounds like the excuse my ex gave me, and for a long time I believed him, that I was difficult, demanding, and downright B!TCHY.
Now I know better.
Men who are secure in themselves LOOK for women who want to be equal.
Actually, let me correct that. They look for women who assume equality.
We are just as successful, opinionated, creative, powerful (and everything else you could possibly think of) as a man could be, except we are women. Even in the sense of sexual submission, we are still the power (I find the power dynamic fascinating, especially that the submissive holds the bulk of the power).
Only a truly strong man can live with that. We as women are not causing the problem by being equal.
People who are strong lift up the weak. People who are confident give compliments. People who are intelligent instruct.
People who are weak try to tear others down. People who are insecure give insults. People who do not understand misinform.
The problem is not women with strength and deservedness. It is men AND women who lack that.
CJ said: “Many women are carrying the burden of regret from past sexual relationships which needs to be dealt with because it will cause sexual tensions within their marriage and even problems in parenting because you can’t talk openly and honestly with your children if you have not dealt with it yourself.”
I am confused by this. Is it only women who have sexual hang-ups that need to be dealt with?
How should these be dealt with? I would assume with a loving, accepting partner. Is this what you meant?
CJ said: “Men I hope you are looking for more from women than how to pick up sexually responsive women in bars with cheap pick up lines. I would hope you have more respect for my gender than that.”
CJ, I am surprised that this is what you got from David’s blog. As a reader and as a woman who has spoken with David by phone, I can most assuredly say that David is NOT about cheap pick up lines, nor is he into casual sexual encounters.
I, personally, am NOT interested in such things, which is part of what attracts me to David’s work. He suggests to men that in order to deepen a sexual relationship for the good of BOTH partners, that affection, intimacy and yes, love are required.
Carolyn says
I do not believe that “Trent” or men in general are to blame for the problems with sex in their marriage. I believe that women have caused an impotency among men. We are trying to create an equality that is destroying men’s innate nature to lead, protect and provide for us.
If a wife participates in and enjoys sex with her husband – both are happy and satisfied. How can a husband find satisfaction in knowing that his wife is just fulfilling her marital obligation? “Well, there is your second time this week, so you can’t bother me again until Sunday!” How ridiculous. Our bodies are designed to enjoy sex within the committed marital relationship; if you are searching outside of that you are compromising ever finding it.
This leads me to my next point. Many women are carrying the burden of regret from past sexual relationships which needs to be dealt with because it will cause sexual tensions within their marriage and even problems in parenting because you can’t talk openly and honestly with your children if you have not dealt with it yourself. Promiscuity has had the same alarming rate as divorce. Do you see the correlation?
Selfishness has no place in a relationship. A relationship and all that comes with it is a two sided venture. Whether it is doing things around the home, parenting, communication or sex. Even if you think that all the problems in the relationship is your spouses’ fault there is still room for you to change. No one can be 100% at fault, in a relationship it is always a shared venture, sometimes you have to look hard to see what you need to learn but trust me there is always something to learn. And if you are working on your part than it may inspire your spouse to do the same as well.
David Shade- I am sorry but I checked your blog and it repulsed me, I would not recommend it at all. I can’t believe what you are teaching. Men I hope you are looking for more from women than how to pick up sexually responsive women in bars with cheap pick up lines. I would hope you have more respect for my gender than that.
Husbands and wives, love each other, respect each other, you are modeling to the next generation how marriage works. Be a light and an example in the world around you, there is already enough darkness to contend with.
Charmaine says
I agree with Davd, because Caroyln your views are both unscientific, unhistoric and unBiblical. A wife can’t cause her husband if he is a healthy man to be impotent.
Our society tends not to understand the Biblical role of a man. Women are called to be responders not initiators in general. For centuries we were taught “women submit” and the “madonna, whore’ concept was was also infused.
Not be crass, but a while back I was talking to this guy who wanted to have oral sex, but refused to ask his wife. He would rather pay for it. His thought was that his wife shouldn’t do such a thing. Thankfully as a loyal disciple of Ms. Ethridge I set him straight about that, telling him wanting sexual pleasure from his wife wasn’t wrong at all. I think Deniro had the same mindset in the movie “Analyze This”. At the same time this same young man’s way of asking for oral sex from his wife was “just put into your mouth”. Not exactly the way you want someone to ask you to put something into your mouth that is more associated with urine coming out of it. Too many people watch crap on TV that is not appropriate for a long term relationship. Sure when my husband was a young ripped man with a body of God, all he had to do was strip off his clothes and I was there. But as we grew older and the marriage pounds came on we and we were both exhausted we had to work a little harder at getting the fires going.
Carolyn says
Definition of impotent- powerless- without the strength or power to do anything effective or helpful.
Maybe I should have chosen a different word in a discussion about sex so as not to confuse anyone.
Charmaine says
Another thing that men don’t understand is that the home for the woman is not a exactly the bastion of romance and relaxation. Man’s home is his castle, but for the woman the home is her slave plantation. We are in charge of keeping it clean and orderly. So it’s no wonder when man comes home to the castle we are exhausted and don’t associate the home with sexual pleasure. Barbara Reiney of Family Life talked about this and she explained that she had to force herself to think about sex. When you are running after kids all day you are not thinking about sex. But a man is bombarded with sexual images all day long. At the same time when it does come time for sex, men basically suck. I would suggest the Trent to get a book like the Female Orgasm or something. Learn a little a bit about foreplay and pleasing a woman. Hey maybe your husband can write a book called “The Sexually Pleasing Husband.” Men go for the jugular and don’t understand that woman are crock pots. But if you give a woman some great orgasisms believe she will be so much more into it. If she is not in the mood try some outercourse, get her hot and then leave her hanging a few times. Make her beg.
Stuart says
From a biblical perspective, women ARE called to be initiators in the marriage bed. as (I think I understand what) Charmaine said, this has been culturally driven out.
There are a lot of resources out there that tell men what they need to do to get their “needs” met, but more specifically they are directing us to suppress our desires. I can only say that I appreciate this next phase, exhorting women to embrace what God has given them.
Stuart says
to bring this back around to Shannon’s question, I am definitely interested in hearing the women dream big.
Charmaine says
Excuse me where in the Bible does it say that women are supposed to be the initiators in the marriage bed ? I am a Near East Historian, so you must understand that women are NOT supposed to be the initiators at all based on Biblical standards. Although it is permissible sometimes. In fact my husband hated it when I initiated sex and almost all men I know hate sexually forward woman, men like to be hunters not hunted.
Me being a New Life groupie let me suggest a book:
Every Man’s Marriage: An Every Man’s Guide to Winning the Heart of a Woman
By: Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey
On a completely different note I really wonder if there is any validity to men being the only ones visual. If that was the case they would put fat slobs on the cover of Romance novel’s. And Brad Pitt and Denzel Washington wouldn’t be drooled over. Men today need to get memo. Metrosexuals are so in. I don’t understand why men think their wives are going to want to magically have sex with a Ralph Kramden-look alike with sweat stains in their armpits. Then dare ask the question “Well I don’t understand why my wife doesn’t want have sex with me.” How about a bath and some Dakkar buddy. BTW, sex is an aerobic sport, so put down the beer can and work on the beer gut, so you don’t die on top of us in the middle. Oh, maybe take some Salsa lessons so you know how to work your stiff hips. ROFL.
Stuart says
I look to the example in Song of Songs. Not to be THE initiators, but to initiate.
thank you for the book suggestion.
John F says
I agree with you there Stuart, I think you have a great point. Women have their part in initiating but it doesn’t rest on either partner’s shoulders alone in that regard.
I think Shannon’s original message had a really good point. Women tend not to mind initiating/participating in sex as long as they feel valued…and when other things seem to take precedence (whether watching TV instead of talking, or preferring laziness over taking out the trash, as the examples were given) over her, she’s really not into it. Genesis 3:16 says that a woman’s desire will be for her husband, but obviously if this isn’t happening, then something’s out of sync with God’s intentions for marriage. This IS the husband’s fault, at least in part, if she is not feeling any desire. I suppose there could be a few exceptions where the wife married for the wrong reason (such as money, good looks, the shallow stuff) and simply lost all interest in him, but I think that a man has just as much responsibility to make his wife desire him as she does to make him desire her…making her feel special falls under that category. If he, as the man, makes her feel special, then she enjoys just being in his company more at the very least. Who knows, maybe that little compliment about her outfit (or her hair, or how nice something is that she took part in sometime throughout the day…whatever the case may be) is all it takes to get her “in the mood” for something more.
If she’s a housewife, she needs to FEEL that she’s loved for more than the clean house or dinner meal that she prepared…she needs to know that the kitchen is NOT her expected “place of duty” (as much as it’s joked that the woman’s place is in the kitchen, it seems that a lot of people actually expect it), and that her opinion is not less important about any major financial decisions just because her husband is the bread-winner. While it’s true that the man is the “priest of the home” and tradition suggests that he has the final say, it does not mean that his wife’s opinion is of less value…he needs to take it into serious consideration, instead of letting his ego say “I’m the boss and we’re doing it MY way.”
If the wife is a working woman (whether the sole source of income or where both spouses work), her husband needs to appreciate the fact that she’s had a “hard day at the office” and isn’t in the “I really really wanna cook dinner as soon as I get home” mood. Her day was probably just as full as his, if not more, and asking “How was your day, honey?” isn’t going to hurt him one bit. Maybe she needs to vent, or maybe she has something really exciting to share…he needs to send the message that he cares. Often, men want to fix problems that are expressed or they don’t know how to handle those exciting things of the day, because they feel like they don’t measure up if they can’t handle all the problems or they feel insecure about their wife being excited about something he wasn’t a part of…but a woman just wants to be listened to (this applies to all women, not just career wives, btw). She wants to share part of her life with you that you weren’t there to experience with her. By telling you about a negative event, she’s not asking for his intervention, she is sharing herself with him emotionally. Men would do well to understand this if they want their wives to also share themselves physically/sexually also. There is so much I want to say on this subject, but perhaps Facebook isn’t the best place to do it, and I don’t really have the time to comment further right now. I’ve thought about writing a book myself, but alas, my journey is still developing. I think maybe in 10 years or so, I’ll be somewhat of an expert…lol.
Lael says
Regarding the love busters or boosters I couldn’t agree more. When my husband speaks my love language I naturally feel warm and romantic toward him and I want to get closer to him. For me a big thing, coming from a rather dysfunctional family, is wanting to raise secure happy children. When I see my husband go out of his way to meet our kids needs, when he listens to their little concerns, puts aside what he is doing to enter their little world, etc, I feel love wash over me in buckets and all I can think about s being intimate with him. Also, although my hubby is very good about helping out around the house when I ask him and i appreciate that, It is a huge turn on when he notices I am running around working my tail off and the next thing I know he is in the kitchen doing the dishes. His attunement to my needs is what makes me feel loved and connected and wanting more!
Dee says
Personalities aside….I was kind of CHALLENGED by a mature Christian woman to just take the bull by the horns (as it were) and choose to truly love my husband by CHOOSING to meet his sexual needs, regardless of my own preferences or moods….and what a change in my marriage resulted! He brightens up every time he sees me, he remembers things I never thought he cared enough to take note of, he praises me to others, he does things to please me like when we were young and newlywed. I may not understand this, and I admit I don’t…but I’m not arguing with Happiness Together!
Shannon Ethridge says
AWESOME words, Dee! Thanks for taking the time to post your blog — what an encouragement it will be to women that sometimes WE can create the happiness we are looking for in the relationship by simply being more attentive to HIS needs! You go, girl!
Shannon
Shannon Ethridge says
Another two cents worth on this topic that I feel I must share after some discussion with my husband — I read above where someone felt it inappropriate for women to intiate sexually even in marriage. I have to disagree, and I can’t imagine where the Bible would forbid such a thing. We’re supposed to “respect” our husbands, and I think initiating sexually shows respect for the fact that he’s a sexual man, with sexual needs, and we’re happy to satisfy those needs without him having to beg.
It takes two to tango, and I don’t know of any man who wants to have to initiate every single time. He wants to know that he is desirable to his wife, and what better way to show our husbands that than to invite him into our private playgrounds on occasion? Just like any other friendship, we take turns initiating quality time together so that the relationship feels “reciprocal.” I think the sexual relationship in marriage is no different.
However, if a particular husband simply doesn’t enjoy being pursued by his wife, he can certainly let her know that he prefers to lead. But again, I doubt that ALL men feel this way, and I know many women who would be sad to learn that they shouldn’t initiate sexually with their own husbands.
Thanks for hearing my heart on the matter once again,
Shannon
Jeff says
Shannon,
How do I help my wife become a sexually confident wife? Is there a book for men? If yes, I would be glad to read it.
Thanks
Jeff
Shannon says
We’re hoping to work on The Sexually Savvy Husband very soon! Pray a publisher catches the vision and runs with it!
Lindsay says
Hey Shannon,
I read your book The Sexually Confident Wife and I’m excited to see what you’ll release next. While the Sexually Savvy Husband sounds like it will help a lot of men out there, would you consider putting in a chapter or two that perhaps talks about men being OKAY with their sexuality in a culture where it seems it’s viewed as a turn-off to women? In my marriage, I, as the wife, am the one often initiating sex – not my husband. I feel our situation is the opposite of many homes but it is none-the-less frustrating to me, as the wife, who desires her husband, as it would be if the husband were to desire the wife. I have spoken with other women that face this same situation. I realize we are not the majority, but it might be worth mentioning? Blessings as you work to bring such amazing light to this area of marriage! And FYI, I just loaned the S.C.W. to this other woman I was talking to and she is LOVING it. Thank you!
Hannah says
I just stumbled accros this song and thought it fits well although it’s just repeating what has been said already.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsCFoAdpRIk
for His glory,
– Han
Hannah says
oh, I’m sorry.. this is a better version with the official video by Kenny Rogers.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Hg0OLeTRgFw&feature=related