One of the most common questions I receive from married women is, “Can I be ‘friends’ with a married man?” Talk about a loaded question! First, it all depends on who the married man is. If he’s the extremely flirtatious type… or someone you dated or slept with in the past… or someone who tries to cry on your shoulder about how unhappy he is in his marriage… then the answer is “NO!” I don’t recommend being friends with him. The best situation is for you (and your husband) to be friends with an appropriate man AND his wife. And both spouses need to know about and feel comfortable with every nuance of the friendship. Where there are no secrets, there are no lies, and no grounds for suspicion or jealousy.
Another thing to consider is, “What’s your definition of ‘friendship’?” I have several men in my life whom I consider friends, but they’re not like my girlfriends. I don’t call them up on the phone (unless it’s family business, and then I stick to business!). I don’t go out to dinner or hang out with them (unless our spouses go with us). I don’t go out of my way to run into them. When I see them, there’s always smiles and warm greetings and questions about how our families are doing and stuff like that, but nothing deep or intimate. My husband is the only man I need to have deep, intimate conversations with.
Rabbi Shmuley recommends the following boundaries, which I agree with for the most part, but keep reading for my personal warning below:
- You can’t go out to late night dinners together. You can have lunch together in a public place, but you should not order alcoholic beverages.
- You can’t take long drives or long flights with the other person, even if it’s for work. You cannot place yourself in any situation where romance can grow. Romance grows when people are alone; romance grows when people tell secrets.
- You can’t share secrets with a platonic male or female friend that you don’t share with your spouse. Because then you’re sharing an exclusivity with a member of the opposite sex that you’re not with your partner, and that can lead to a big no-no.
- You should not be friends with ex-lovers.
I’d also add that if sex, love, and romance has been a big stumbling block for you (or for him) in the past, or if your own marriage feels a little shaky these days, you might want to forego the aforementioned lunches together as an added protective measure. Why pray, “Lord, save me from the lions!!?” while sticking your head directly into the lions mouth? Any personal time alone out of eyesight and earshot of others creates a “lion’s den” atmosphere in any relationship.
Also be aware that being in one another’s presence isn’t even a prerequisite for having an affair. Emotional affairs are easily had via cell phones and internet connections, so also pay close attention not just to what you do, but also to what you say in your telephone conversations, text messages, and emails. A good rule of thumb for all women is, “If you wouldn’t say it in front of your husband or pastor, don’t say it at all!”
What about you? If you’ve ever stumbled into an inappropriate relational entanglement through a seemingly “innocent friendship,” we want to hear from you! What were the warning signs you should have heeded? How can we guard ourselves against falling into the lion’s den of extramarital temptation?
Oh, and if personal boundaries is an issue for you, be sure to read Chapter 6, “Harnessing Your Sexual Power,” in The Sexually Confident Wife — which RELEASES TOMORROW!!! HALLELUJAH!!!
Wishing you the BEST sex,
Shannon
j says
Shannon-
I can only “AMEN!” to EVERYTHING you said in your blog!!! How true it is that connections can form when we simply say, “oh this is just a friendship.”
I’m grateful to have worked in a female dominated environment before staying home with my kids. But, I still have to keep my guard up. I think each woman knows when she is “pushing the envelope” in her heart, and you just have to make clear boundaries…sometimes you even have to just share it with your spouse, so that their awareness of your emotions can be somewhat of a built in guard or protection. I have found that if I tell my husband I’m attracted to someone, that defuses the attraction…it’s no longer a secret, and I have an advocate in the fight against emotional connectedness with another man who is not my husband.
BTW- your book is AWESOME…and really inspiring….and making me think A LOT….about A LOT of things…and I know my marriage will be the better for it! Thanks a ZILLION for your passion to share the passion of sexual confidence in the bounds of marriage.
Warmly,
Julie
sally says
I was just talking to one of my married friends about this very thing! Now I have back up from a great source…I’m showing them this bloggity-blog-blog tomorrow!!!!
Thanks for leading me!!!!
Forever Grateful,
sal
And the book….is officially RELEASED!!!!!
PRAISE THE LORD!!!
TO GOD BE ALL THE GLORY!!!! 🙂
Robyn says
Shannon –
Thanks! Even as a woman in a brand new dating relationship, I got some stuff out of that! 🙂
Laura Taff says
You know, I don’t think that the lunch in a public place is all that great an idea. You can still be “alone” together in that no one at other tables is listening to your conversation. Even if they were, they don’t know you aren’t married to one another. There could be some inappropriate conversation going on in that situation. I used to work all day in an office with just one guy- my boss. However, that office was in the building with and able to be overheard by a real estate business, so I felt comfortable. There were times he wanted to have “business lunches” in which case he’d invite his wife or another colleage so we could have lunch and keep working at the same time. I appreciated that.
Laura Taff says
In my previous post, I was just saying I agree with what Shannon said after the boundaries. I didn’t say that before.
Natalia says
I have read your book “Every Woman’s battle” and that truly spoke to me as I had just ended a very close “friendship” with someone that was not my husband. I really wish now that I had headed so many of those warnings but some things we sometimes have to experience ourselves.
I defenitley fell into the trap of lying to myself into just believing that we were only friends.
My husband and I have slowly worked through that experience after he read some inappropriate emails but it has been a difficult road that has taken us through some dark days in our marriage.
Thanks for speaking for women that struggle with setting boundries in their life.
Angela says
Good word, Shannon! Whether married or single we need to guard our friends’ marriages and pray for them!
John Hernandez says
Shannon,
As always, you are spot on! Looking at it from the male side of the situation, we –too– must be equally as cautious. And you’re right about the online aspect! It can get way too deep way too easily if one is not on guard. We all enjoy getting attention, and sometimes it seems like the attention we get online is fun, easy, and safe when –actually– it can be just as dangerous as a “real life” friendship with an inapporpriate person.
Jennifer Shealey says
Shannon you are a breathe of fresh air! I love your insight. I look forward to learning more from you. I am so thankful God brought you in my life. Love you!!!
Lindy says
I agree. I think women and men need to recognize the need for boundaries. I remember reading “Every Women’s Battle” and thinking “hey a lot of this is commonsense” yet I know a lot of friends who have no clue!!! I think public business meetings are ok. One rule I have is to try to always bring up my husband in conversation. It’s an easy way of letting guys know I’m taken. (I got married when I was 20 and a lot of guys at my university don’t even think to check for a ring!!!) BTW I love that you have quoted Rabbi Shmuley. I read “Kosher Sex” and “Kosher Adultery” and loved them! That was until I found SCW a week ago and TORE THROUGH IT! I was flipping pages like mad!!! Finally a Christain sex book that isn’t full of lame euphamises and other bull! As a teen I read the LeHay’s “The Act of Marriage”- UCK! I think I am still messed up from that- I wished I had had your book. It’s the confidence boost women have been dying for! God bless!
Shannon Ethridge says
Thanks for your great comments, Lindy! I appreciate the kind words of affirmation, girlfriend! It’s like music to an author’s ears to hear from someone who totally GETS where I’m coming from! 🙂
Shannon Ethridge
April says
Yes, I have stumbled into an inappropriate relationship with a married man. I knew to say no, but said yes. I remember the very first red light that screamed STOP, but I ignored the holy spirit’s warning and my racing heartbeat. The very first sign was when he told me that him and his wife were sleeping in sepearte bedrooms and he needed someone to talk to. I suggested him talk to a counselor or male friend. Then the compliments started and even more talk about his marriage troubles. I felt the holy spirit telling me to run in the opposite direction, but I felt the “need” to be his holy spirit. I felt as if I was the only one who could help him. So, it began… I counseled and consoled, and received compliments, gave compliments in return and all of this sparked deep feelings within my soul for more. I know now why God was telling me to run. I had emotional needs that had been dormant in my marriage and this guy had awakened a passion, and filled me emotionally. I enjoyed it so much that I didn’t think about how much it was actually hurting me. Long story short- I confessed to God and then husband. Then began to have withdrawal symptoms as a drug addict would. I talked to the other man a couple more times and the whole process of healing had to start over again. Wow, what a huge lesson I learned by not listening, not obeying the holy spirit.
It would’ve saved me so much pain, heartache, frustration, guilt, etc… if I had listened to the holy spirit, guarded my heart, pretended that my husband was able to hear the conversation, so many things. I really believe that the closer you stay to the Lord, then all other things are lesser. I was not having my daily time with the Lord.
Emily says
I must share that my husband and I went through an extremely difficult time in our marriage because of an affair. Though my choices were not pleasing to God and hurtful (more than hurtful) to my husband and family, I have to say that I learned a lot and our marriage has grown as a result. After I ended the affair, my husband and I immediately started going to a Christian marriage counselor, which was SOOOOO important for us. I firmly believe that without her counsel, we would not be married today. She helped bring things into the light for me… putting the facts out there about truth of adultery; uncovering the lies that the enemy had me believing. For some reason, I trusted her even more than my own feelings. I knew that she was right and that if I went down the wrong path (i.e. leaving my husband for another man) that God would not bless that relationship/marriage and that it would ultimately end in destruction. Only by the grace of God, our marriage was restored and since then we have learned to love each other better, meet emotional/physical needs, and protect our marriage from that vulnerable state that leads to affairs. To God’s glory, we have even started a Bible study/small group for young married couples in our church and recently helped another couple through a similar situation that we experienced (2 Corinthians Ch 1- God comforts us that we in turn can comfort others).
One would think that after all I have been through and the potential path of destruction that I was saved from, that my marriage would be forever affair-proof. Wrong. I am learning in the past few months that the enemy is out to kill, steal, and destroy, walking about like a roaring lion seeing whom he may devour…and for me, the area he is using is sexual sin- attraction towards men who are not my husband. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this is a true weakness of mine. A thorn in my side. My struggle. It is so hard to ignore a “good” feeling that you get from the attention of a man who thinks you are GREAT. On my own, I can’t turn away from that feeling and resist the temptation to entertain it. But God has said that He is strong in my weakness. Even writing this post is helping me to allow God into this secret area of my life to take control and help me in my weakness.
I have shared my struggle with a friend (great to get it out in the open- keeping this a secret can prove fatal) and now have some accountability. I have found this website/blog and will be buying the book “Every womans Battle” on Friday. I am looking forward to reading it. One thing I hope to learn from the book, or through this process, is “Why?”. What defeciency, experience, etc. makes me so vulnerable for this? Why do I crave this kind of attention and this “good” feeling?
If you are reading this and have a moment to lift me up before the Father, please do. I need God desperately in this area of my life.
Shannon Ethridge says
Emily –
I’m so pleased to see how open you are being about this situation and how eager you are to understand it at it’s deepest levels so that you can avoid venturing down the same destructive path in the future. Indeed, being vulnerable with others through writing, counseling, and just talking things through with others is so therapeutic, and I’m glad you’ve discovered that. I pray that reading Every Woman’s Battle would be a HUGE eye-opener for you and that you’ll be ever-so encouraged to pursue GOD’s plan for your genuine sexual and emotional fulfillment!
Shannon
gloria says
I am deeply touch with your testimony and i relate the same feeling with you.I ask God why should i have to encounter this kind of testing and trials though i often say that i love my husband..the vow i made is not for him but for the Lord and His eyes upon me.My situation here is so difficult as they said,I am apart with my husband for more than 2 years now.The workplace where I am now,shaken my being Christian,how to handle the emotion,the peer,the morality around me which I am not also judging them.Being alone,was a break through to be near with my creator the author and finisher of faith,Praise God that i met one of the missionaries who gave me the book,Every Womans Battle,as i keep reading on this,the attraction to temptation was so strong,but thanks be to God He is greater than everything I encounter,to quote ” Temptation cant hold me”.As friends comes along they just say..how do you smile and remain loyal to your husband?
With my pastors,missionary bestfriends,and through your ministries,I believe Gods grace,I can stand against all odds..in all forms of temptations!TO GOD BE THE GLORY