When She Wants More
There are many reasons why a man may be struggling with low libido in the marriage bed, particularly:
*The use of pornography
*Anxiety about work
Any of these can create a hole in a man’s sexual bucket, draining him of most of the sexual energy that his wife longs for. Remedying these issues can be rather complex, but it can also be relatively obvious. If he’s exerting most of his sexual energy looking at other women and taking matters into his own hands through pornography and masturbation, he needs to disconnect from those isolating behaviors and learn to reconnect with the real, live woman he’s married to. If depression or anxiety is what’s draining him, a counselor can provide them with practical tools to cope with those emotional roller coaster rides. If health or weight issues are the main challenge, a doctor or nutritionist may provide the keys to a healthier lifestyle, and such changes usually naturally result in rejuvenated sexual interest.
However, there’s one main issue that often robs a man of his sexual desire that no one else on the planet can cure (other than the woman he’s married to). When a man feels sexually insecure or emotionally disconnected from his wife, it can certainly wreak havoc on the marriage bed. Here are a couple of testimonies I gathered while writing Every Woman’s Marriage (i) that illustrate my point.
Bill writes: “In my relationship with my wife, Lydia, our ‘dance’ more often feels to me that she is more interested in control than oneness, which feels devastating. I feel as if I am her puppet on a string. . . . How do I continue pursuing oneness with her when oneness with me isn’t on her agenda? The second area is very confusing to me. Lydia actually has a greater appetite for sex than I do. While we have had some wonderful lovemaking, there have been many times where my lack of performance or foreplay technique has enraged Lydia. On more than one occasion she has derided me for having a short penis. All of this makes the whole idea of having sex with my wife a risky proposition that just as often deflates my confidence as boosts it and makes me feel humiliated and emasculated. In the past she has demanded that I read books about foreplay and sex (which I have) and initiate sex more . . . be sexier by what I wear, how I sit, and how I talk or walk. A doctor discovered that my testosterone level is very low for my age (we don’t know why — stress?). I started taking testosterone to bring it back up. While that has had the effect of elevating the need for release, it has had a limited effect on increasing my sexual desire for Lydia. We have not had sex in a few months. She’s even threatened to go have sex with someone else if I don’t perform better and more frequently. I’ve tried to relate to her the impact all this has had on me and on my motivation to pursue her sexually, but she shifts the blame and refuses to see her part in all of this.”
To be continued…
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(i)Excerpted from Shannon Ethridge, Every Woman’s Marriage (Colorado Springs, CO: WaterBrook Press, 2006),185-186.
Excerpted from The Passion Principles: Celebrating Sexual Freedom in Marriage by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2014. All Rights Reserved. Published by W Publishing Group, and imprint of Thomas Nelson, Nashville, TN. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.