7 Myths that Intensify our Struggle - Part 4 - Official Site for Shannon Ethridge Ministries

MYTH 3

It doesn’t hurt anyone if I fantasize about someone other than my husband when we make love.

Just as wives have the right to be offended by our husbands’ wandering eyes, men have the right to be offended by their wives’ wandering minds. For women, orgasm is probably 10 percent physical and 90 percent mental. If your husband is trying to please you, he can forget about it if your mind is a million miles away, say on your grocery list. A woman must focus mentally on the sexual experience in order to derive ultimate pleasure from it.

Unfortunately, some women focus on the wrong things during these passionate moments. They entertain thoughts of someone else. They place themselves in the middle of the plot of the romance novel they are reading. They usher in flashbacks from old lovers, previous graphic scenes they were exposed to through romance novels or pornography, or images of the latest Hollywood heartthrob. Such images rob us of the intimacy that we crave. When you fantasize about someone else when making love with your husband, you are mentally making love with another man.

He, not your husband, is the one you feel passionate about.

He, not your husband, is the one you feel close to emotionally.

Sex between a husband and wife was meant to be the most intimate thing this side of heaven and can be even more fulfilling than any fantasy imaginable. Ironically, many of the women who tell me that they regularly think of another man while making love to their husbands also tell me that they feel guilty, empty, dissatisfied, and confused.

While it is normal and healthy to have fantasies, they need to be restricted to your marriage partner. It’s okay to fantasize that he brings you flowers or makes you a candlelight dinner or rubs lotion on your back. It’s okay to fantasize about showering together or having wild sex on some tropical deserted island¾as long as it is with your husband! Sharing these appropriate fantasies with your spouse will add passion and sizzle to your relationship. However, fantasizing about anyone else is mental and emotional unfaithfulness to your husband. Even if you convince yourself that you would never act on the fantasies that include someone outside of your marriage, remember that God looks at the heart (1 Samuel 16:7) and His heart breaks when yours is divided, even if only in your fantasies.

Excerpted from Every Woman’s Battle: Discovering God’s Plan for Sexual and Emotional Fulfillment by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2003. All Rights Reserved. Published by WaterBrook Press, Colorado Springs, CO 80921. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.