Today we are sharing the first of several testimonies from people who have read or heard about The Fantasy Fallacy. We are thankful for this anonymous post full of authenticity, bravery, and hope.
To anonymous: Praise God for how far he’s brought you, and how you’re allowing Him to use you!!!
*material has been edited for length
I listened to part of your interview with Debbie Chavez regarding Understanding Women’s sexual fantasies and read your free download on how to respond to Fifty Shades of Grey and feel that I need to tell you my story.
I didn’t grow up in a Christian home, however, I became a Christian at age 13 after attending a summer camp. As far back as I can remember (age 10 or 11 – I don’t have a lot of memories from before that, many of the ones I do have are bad memories) I used to fantasize about being kidnapped and/or raped most nights as I lay in bed waiting to fall asleep. I still don’t know why as I have no recollection of any sexual abuse or physical abuse. The one thing I do remember, though pieced together mostly from pictures, that is also when I started to gain weight.
As I got older and was able to do more, I got more involved in church, but at night the fantasies were still there and they would gradually become more perverse. I didn’t know how to process them, or even what to do with them. While I was involved in the church there was a lot I still didn’t know, including how to renew my mind or what that even meant. I didn’t know how to stop them and never spoke to anyone about them for the shame and humiliation that came with them. After all, I was a young Christian woman who was still a virgin, I shouldn’t be thinking such things.
In 1996 I was in my late twenties when I left church. The whys and the wherefores are lost now, I could recite the tale that I told but it was just that – a tale. One I believed was real at the time, but it was only a fabrication of my mind and the years of fantasies acted out in my bedroom alone at night.
I spent 12 years in that world. It started out secluded and hidden in an online world. It was there that I discovered BDSM. I fell hard and fast into that world. All the acceptance that I ever wanted from men I found there, but for all the wrong reasons and from all the wrong men. It didn’t take long for what was happening online to bleed into the real world.
2003 to 2008 were spent with one foot in BDSM and one foot in church. Each year my desires seemed more perverse. There were things I tried to do, but God had other plans and by His grace each time they were planned – those plans fell apart. I can honestly say I lived in Leviticus 20 – doing, trying to do, or wanting to do the things that I had no business doing.
I am happy to say that before I turned 40 I realized I had to make a choice. I couldn’t sit on the fence and have one foot in church and one foot willfully sinning. That was December 13, 2008. I tearfully made a decision to go after Jesus and leave that other world behind. December 31, 2008 I had shut all contact with that life to start over with my Savior.
By God’s grace and by His gracea alone, leaving it was easier than I thought it would be. It was an intentional, willful and conscious decision followed by intentional actions that I had to do daily. I feel I have to add here that I if I had gone to live with any one of those Men or had gotten involved in that lifestyle in my own city, thereby ceasing all church activity that it wouldn’t have been so easy. The battle in my mind continued as I struggled with the lingering thoughts for a couple of years after that.
Because of my imagination and how vivid it is and because I’ve spent time in that “world” I will likely never read Fifty Shades of Grey or the other two books associated with it, but I am looking forward to your book The Fantasy Fallacy.
I am thankful for God’s hand on me and His call on my life. These last 4 years haven’t been easy, but each day gets better and those fantasies are all but gone. While they occasionally rear their ugly head, I have learned to take each thought captive. If you would have told me that I’d be on my church’s board or the Youth Leader I’d probably have laughed you to the moon, but in 2010 I was elected onto the board and this summer after our youth pastor moved on I took over as the youth leader.
After all this thank you for your time and thank you for your ministry.
You are a blessing.
Please join my in prayer and thanksgiving for “anonymous” ~ I pray that she will continue to find hope and healing in Christ and share her message with those struggling in the grip of sexual fantasies.