Please pray for Shannon as she is currently in Australia on a dual-mission -- speaking to women of all ages, and visiting her 18-year old daughter who is studying visual arts at C3 College in Sydney this year. Specifically, pray for:

• Safe travels and good nights of sleep
• Sweet fellowship during these 3 weeks of mother-daughter time
• Productive life coaching sessions with many of her Australian BLAST participants
• Powerful anointing during the “Heartbeat” Women’s Conference in Brisbane (June 4-6)

In last month’s e-newsletter I jokingly wrote about a “swinging pastor” – if you didn’t read it and you need a good laugh, go to our newsletter archives and find the May 2010 edition! For those who read it and responded via email, thanks for agreeing with me that it was a hilarious experience!

Unfortunately, I’m writing about a different kind of “swinging pastor” this month. A dear friend was recently devastated to discover that the lead pastor of her church had been having numerous sexual affairs, unbeknownst to his wife or anyone else. He’s now in rehab for sexual addiction as his followers try to make sense of it all and strategize about how to keep moving forward in spite of his folly.

But I’ve wondered, “Where are the women involved, and what kind of counseling are THEY going through?” I have no idea. But I pray they are getting the help they need as well.

While some may be tempted to throw stones in situations like this, I’m not about to go there. Stones don’t hit sin. They hit people -- brothers and sisters who are in desperate need of unconditional love, mercy, and grace to help them have victory over such sin. So instead of throwing stones, I want to throw out some ideas as to how WE (as women) can support our pastors and serve as building blocks in their lives rather than stumbling blocks!

The three most common questions I’ve heard in response to tragedies like this are:

1. “How could a pastor do such a thing?”
2. “Why is this so common these days?”
3. “Why do men with sexual issues seem to gravitate toward ministry?”

Let’s consider which came first -- a pastor’s sexual issues, or his call to ministry?

Granted, there are most likely seminary students in every corner of the world who’ve had more than their fair share of sexual struggles before they ever graduate into a pastoral leadership role. And maybe there IS something about being in ministry that draws certain men to hide behind or take refuge inside their priestly garments. But for the most part, I think men enter the ministry with every honest intention for good.

However, I do suspect that there’s something about being in ministry that makes some men incredibly vulnerable to sexual temptations. It probably has a lot to do with that BIG RED BULLSEYE that Satan paints on any spiritual leader’s forehead. Satan’s not dumb. He can do math. He knows that if he can take out the leader, casualties will be multiplied exponentially. When the lead domino falls, there’s a chain reaction.

What makes the spiritual leader so vulnerable to Satan’s attack against his sexuality? One pastor explains, “Sex is not the problem. Loneliness is the problem.” I’ve heard over and over that being in ministry is one of the loneliest and most difficult jobs in the world.

Consider these statistics from Shiloh Place Ministries (found at http://j.mp/4zLDTK), which draws its information from Focus on the Family, Charisma Magazine, TNT Ministries, and other respected groups:

• 50% of pastors’ marriages end in divorce.
• 70% of pastors continually battle depression.
• 80% of pastors and 85% of spouses feel discouraged in their roles.
• 70% of pastors do not have a close friend, confidant, or mentor.
• Nearly 40% of pastors have had an extra-marital sexual affair since entering ministry.
• Over 50% of pastors’ wives feel that their husbands entering ministry was the most destructive thing to ever happen to their families.

A dear friend of ours (who’s been a pastor for 20+ years) has always said, “There are three kinds of people in the world – men, women, and pastors.” In other words, people have a tendency to look at pastors differently. Many are only comfortable seeing their pastor on Sunday mornings in the pulpit, but not on any sort of social basis, which leads to the isolation and depression so many feel. Even if they had a listening ear, most wouldn’t dare divulge their own personal struggles to anyone in their own congregation or denomination for fear that they’d be exposed. So they hide. And yes, some find a false sense of shelter in the arms of a receptive woman. And the ripple effects of their sin eventually shake the entire church (and community) to the core.

While the church as a whole cannot be held responsible for a pastor’s poor choices, sexual misconduct is not just the pastor’s problem! It takes TWO to tango! For every pastor that stumbles and falls into a sexual affair, there’s a woman stumbling with him. In fact, it’s often the woman that led him there in the first place with her kind words of affirmation, going out of her way to encounter his presence, manipulating him into meeting her emotional needs, making herself available to him as a confidant, etc. How do I know? Because I came frighteningly close to becoming “the other woman” in a pastor’s life many years ago (read chapter 12 of Every Woman’s Battle if you’re wanting the nitty-gritty behind that story). I praise God for giving me the strength to RUN from that temptation!

So while many of us wonder, “How can a pastor DO such a thing?” I think a safer, more responsible question for us women to ask is, “How can a pastor NOT do such a thing?” In other words, how can WE avoid being stumbling blocks to the men in spiritual leadership over us? Here’s my best suggestions:

1. Don’t put your pastor on such a high pedestal that you run to him instead of to God! Pedestals are dangerous places to put anyone because we wind up either worshipping and obsessing over the person on our pedestal, or painfully disappointed by them. Either extreme is miserable.
2. Realize that your pastor is NOT your daddy, or your father-figure. Whatever wounds you have from your biological father can’t be fixed by spending intimate time with your pastor, so don’t even go there. Put on your big girl panties and deal with your father-issues with a professional counselor who’s trained in such matters.
3. Don’t put yourself in any sort of position, physically (through time spent alone together) or emotionally (through private phone calls, text messages, emails, etc.), where you’re both made vulnerable to a relational entanglement! He’s only human, and so are you!
4. If you want a friendship with your pastor, pursue a “couples” friendship by going on double dates -- with both spouses involved EVERY time.
5. If you suspect your pastor is lonely or needs a confidant, encourage your husband to reach out to him for some male bonding time. But don’t try to fill that role yourself!
6. On a night that your pastor has meetings at the church, invite his wife to go to dinner, shopping, or a movie, or offer to take care of the kids so she can have an evening all to herself if that’s what she needs. In other words, think of ways to support them in their ministry and marriage so that their roles within the church don’t feel so draining on their relationship.
7. When we need personal spiritual guidance, women should seek advice and a listening ear from another woman, not a man. Especially not a married man in ministry who’s got a lot to lose if either of you form an emotional or spiritual bond to the other!
8. Dress modestly at all times, but especially at church. And ask a friend or your pastor’s wife if your definition of “modest” is on target. What may seem perfectly acceptable to you may be causing eyes to pop or jaws to drop without your awareness.
9. Don’t get so demonstrative during worship times that you’re calling attention to yourself. If you want to dance around like a wild woman to show your love for Jesus, do it at home where visually-stimulated men aren’t distracted by body parts bouncing around, or at least move to the back of the sanctuary so that you don’t become the center of attention for other worshippers.
10. Always keep in mind that there’s a fine line between spirituality and sexuality. If you need a reminder of that, read the first few pages of The Grapes of Wrath!

For centuries women have often felt so powerless in the presence of men (like Bathsheba, who had to submit to King David’s call). But this is a new era, and women have every right to resist a man’s inappropriate sexual advances. Not only that, but we have the RESPONSIBILITY not to lead men down the road to relational disasters that will inevitably destroy reputations and divide congregations.

WE hold the power to greatly impact the course of church history and personally aid in the Holy Spirit’s divine work, simply by carrying ourselves as women on a mission – not to be toyed or tampered with, but to be treated with dignity, respect, and honor. And by taking that mission seriously, we encourage our spiritual leaders to remain MEN on a mission as well.

(Excepted from Shannon’s blog – see more or subscribe to receive our blog posts by going to www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/blog)

DON’T MISS THE NEXT

Will THIS finally be the year that you start (or finish) writing the book that’s been burning on your heart? Or will this be the year you tell God you’re willing to speak to whatever audience He puts you in front of?

If so, BLAST is for you! Shannon would love to help you “share your story” so that God gets even more glory!

Our next 12-month online mentorship class starts in September. Submit your application on or before July 5th and receive a 10% ($150) Early-Bird Discount!

Click here for an informational brochure, and email us at blast@shannonethridge.com with your questions!

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