A conference attendee recently submitted this anonymous question:

“It seems like every time my husband tries to initiate sex, I’m not in the mood. In fact, I’m rarely in the mood. I feel bad about that, but I don’t know how to change it. Do you have any advice on how I can bring back that loving feeling toward my husband and our sex life?”

Glad you asked! While I can’t speak for every woman, it’s a very common phenomenon for a married woman’s sex drive to spiral downward at times, but it doesn’t have to continue plummeting. You can reverse the trend. How? By understanding the power of the “Big O” hormone...

     When we are tenderly touched by another human being, a wonderful hormone called oxytocin is released. Then what happens? We feel good about the person who touched us, and we crave even more touch from the same person. It creates a powerful, relationship-building upward spiral. The more we’re touched, the more we want to be touched, and the more touching going on, the more oxytocin being produced. It’s like a powerful magnet drawing us together with greater and greater force.

     A lack of oxytocin production can certainly work against your sex drive. If this hormone isn’t being released in your system regularly, you may feel an overwhelming temptation to withdraw emotionally and physically, creating a downward spiral in the relationship. Perhaps you or your husband are not satisfied with how often you experience “the big O” (orgasm) or how often you desire to engage in any sort of sexual activity, but the real culprit may be that you don’t get enough of the “big O” hormone (oxytocin). If a woman isn’t touched regularly enough outside the bedroom, she may find that she is violently opposed to being touched inside the bedroom. A vicious cycle is created, as she is no longer open to the very touch she needs.

     The remedy for not feeling like you want to touch or be touched by your husband, therefore, is to touch anyway. Go through the actions, and your feelings quickly catch up. Oxytocin production ensures this will be the case. I would never be so cold as to say to a woman struggling with her sexuality, “Get over it, and get naked!” But I’ll let you do the math. One naked, oxytocin-producing man plus one naked, oxytocin-producing woman equals one intimately connected couple.

     So if you want to reignite the flame of marital passion, oxytocin is just the fuel you need. The next time you feel like you are hitting a sexual wall and you can’t imagine “giving in” to his sexual advances, simply determine to climb over that wall instead. You may very well experience what many other sexually confident wives experience on the other side of that wall -- absolute euphoria.

To learn more about oxytocin production and its affect on a woman’s sexual well-being, check out chapter 2 in The Sexually Confident Wife.

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