Breaking the Silence Around the “M” Word

One of the most common email questions I receive is from military wives, who want to know if masturbation is an acceptable sexual outlet for them while their husbands are deployed for months at a time. Inquiring minds want to know -- is masturbation morally wrong, or perfectly normal?

Many Christians complain that the church has been painfully silent on this topic, which has resulted in much shame and confusion. I certainly think Christians should be able to openly and respectfully discuss every topic under the sun that affects human beings, and masturbation certainly affects a large population. (I’ve heard it said that 98% of people have masturbated at some point in their lifetime… and the other 2% are probably lying about it.) So… let’s talk about it!

Perhaps the church’s silence on the topic is understandable when you consider that there may not be a definitive right or wrong, black or white, good or bad answer. Varying shades of gray do exist, and fortunately God has given us the intellect to think these things through and come to responsible conclusions about what we feel would be right or wrong for each of us as individuals (also known as “personal conviction”).

So let’s look at the issue of masturbation through BOTH lenses for a moment...

If I were a lawyer and had to make a case that masturbation is perfectly OKAY, I could press the following points:

• Scripture doesn’t mention the issue of masturbation at all, and a topic so universal in its appeal to mankind certainly wasn’t “accidentally overlooked” by our sovereign God! If He had that much of an issue with it, He’d surely have mentioned it specifically.
• The Bible does warn against sexual immorality, adultery, lusting after someone else’s spouse, putting vile things before our eyes, etc. but one could make the case that masturbation could physically be accomplished apart from all of those things. (In case you are wondering, the story of “Onan” had nothing to do with masturbation, but the sin of shirking family responsibilities by spilling his seed on the ground instead of impregnating his wife.)
• I could insist that God created us as sexual beings, and surely expects us to have these desires fulfilled when they arise or else He wouldn’t have “wired” us this way.
• I could point to how common of an issue this is among human beings (quoting studies that say that even children as early as 12 months old often pleasure themselves as a way of relieving tension or boredom) and accuse society of simply trying to suppress our sexuality by discouraging masturbation.

But if I were a lawyer and had to make a case that masturbation is NOT OKAY, I could press these points:

• It’s impossible for a single person to masturbate without entertaining sexual fantasies about someone they aren’t married to, and that is clearly discouraged in Scripture (see Matthew 5).
• Masturbating rather than exercising self-control is like throwing gasoline on your own sexual fire – you’re only going to want more, and more, and go to greater and greater lengths to satisfy your sexual cravings when you’ve not learned to exercise self-control and delay sexual gratification.
• I could say that a married person is robbing their spouse of sexual and relational fulfillment when, rather than reaching out to share that pleasure, they “take matters into their own hands” instead.
• I could quote from a plethora of emails I receive from women who feel so deeply betrayed by husbands who would rather have sex by themselves than invest the time and energy required to connect with her.

I don’t think anyone could argue with any of these points – they are ALL valid! So if Scripture doesn’t spell it out, and a solid case can be made for both sides of the issue, how are we supposed to know?

That’s where prayer comes in. Instead of following a prescribed formula or trying to consult the Bible as if it’s a black-and-white rule book, perhaps we need to simply spend time with God and ask Him directly about our unique situations. I assure you, He’s interested in helping us figure out what’s best, because He wants the best for us.

For example, what about those women whose husbands are deployed overseas for months at a time? One explained, “My husband told me he would completely understand if I felt the need to satisfy myself while he was gone, and as I’ve prayed about it, I don’t feel that God would be displeased with me at all, especially if I’m only thinking of my husband during the act.” Perhaps someone else would feel justified throwing a stone at this woman, but I wouldn’t. Two weeks apart would have me climbing walls. I can’t imagine two years of complete abstinence.

So masturbation is okay for all married people as long as they only think of their spouse? I wouldn’t go that far. Personally, we’ve chosen for many years to have a “no masturbation” rule in our marriage. If one is feeling frisky, the ideal scenario is for them to reach out and “share the love” rather than being selfish with it. Have we ever broken the rule? Sure, on rare occasion. But we confess, ask forgiveness, and reconnect with the real purpose of our sexual desires – to bring us closer to each other, and ultimately closer to God as we submit to His perfect plan of husbands and wives freely sharing their minds, bodies, hearts, and souls with one another – all without guilt, shame, or inhibition.

Instead of individual intensity, we strive for genuine intimacy, or IN-TO-ME-SEE, because that’s far more fulfilling than just physical pleasure alone.

But what about for teens & singles? I do believe there’s a lot to be said for saving your sexual energies for your spouse someday. I know, that’s easy for a married woman who can have sex anytime she wants to say. But here’s my reasoning: You train your body as to what it finds pleasurable. If you walk into a marriage so addicted to masturbation that you would rather withdraw privately for your sexual satisfaction than share that passion and pleasure with your spouse, there’s something wrong with that picture.

So then we get into the issue of “addiction.” When is masturbation an “addiction,” and when is it a normal biological drive? After years of counseling teens & singles, I’ll let you in on my elaborate scientific method for determining the difference. I look at the answer to one question: How long can you go without giving in to your masturbatory desires? If someone tells me they go for weeks or months before “caving in,” I don’t get too worried. They obviously have the thought/desire more often than that, but they are usually able to exercise self-control. An occasional slip up simply means they are human. The vast majority of the time, they rule over their sexual desires, not vice-versa.

However, if they tell me they masturbate often with little self-control (several times a week, or even several times a day), I get concerned. The habits we create as a single person follow us right on into marriage. Putting a wedding band on our finger doesn’t change anything about us except our last name. A masturbation addiction has the potential to negatively affect, and even destroy, an otherwise healthy marriage. The reality is that most spouses would feel personally rejected if we were to repeatedly choose masturbation over marital intimacy.

If masturbation is a temptation you wrestle with frequently, I encourage you to pray and seek wisdom from trusted spiritual advisors. If you’re ready for personal counseling about this or other sexual issues, I hope you’ll go to www.shannonethridge.com/counseling for suggestions. You might also want to check out these video clips from my friend Dr. Doug Rosenau, author of the book Celebration of Sex:

Question about masturbation for singles:
http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/850

Question about masturbation for couples:
http://www.iquestions.com/video/view/842

This article was excerpted from Shannon’s blog at www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/blog, which elicited 40 responses that may interest you as well. We’d also love to hear YOUR opinion on the topic, so please share your own comments while visiting the site.

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