Teens & Sex Toys: A Sticky Subject

Many readers have emailed lately asking what I thought of the recent Oprah episode where Dr. Laura Berman discussed what all we should be telling our pre-teen and teenage daughters about sex. I blogged about it this week, and we’ve been blown away by the number of feedback comments we’ve received through the website, Facebook, Twitter, and our Ning Web Community. (To read just a few of the responses to this blog, go to www.sexuallyconfidentwife.com/blog)

I agree wholeheartedly with Dr. Berman that we need to open up lines of communication with our children by giving them permission to ask anything, telling the truth about where babies come from, preparing them for the temptations that lay ahead for every human being, etc. But when the suggestion was made that moms purchase a clitoral vibrator for their 15-17 year old daughters, I almost choked on my chocolate. If you saw it, you probably did a double-take and rewound the TiVo tape to make sure you heard it right, too. If you didn’t see the show, allow me to explain Dr. Berman’s reasoning for such a recommendation. She says that when a hairy-legged boy is kissing on your daughter and awakening all of these sexual urges in her, she will most likely think, “THIS BOY is what makes me feel this way, so I must allow THIS BOY to take me where my body longs to go.” But that if our daughters are equipped with the “tools” they need to bring themselves to orgasm, it will be easier for her to walk away from that boy with the confidence that she doesn’t need him to satisfy her because she can take matters into her own hands (pardon the pun).

I’m pretty sure we can all agree that for a teenage girl to give in to sexual activity with a teenage boy could do far more damage than good. That’s a no-brainer. But is sending her the message that “whenever you get sexually aroused you HAVE to do something about it, so here’s a vibrator” really the best way to help her exercise self-control? I don’t think so. While occasional masturbatory experiences are a normal part of growth & development, I think encouraging frequent self-gratification is really just throwing gasoline on a fire. The more someone fuels their own sexual desires (especially at this immature age), the more I believe they’ll be tempted to take things to the next level, and the next, which will ultimately include involving the sexual partner that you were trying to discourage her involvement with in the first place.

While it may shock you, I invited my 17-year old daughter to watch that Oprah episode with me so we could discuss the controversial parts openly. I’ve discussed every other sexual topic under the sun with her at various stages in her development. She has attended dozens of my BEST SEX Youth Conferences, helped me edit Every Young Woman’s Battle, helped me write Preparing Your Daughter for Every Woman’s Battle, so taking our intimate discussions to the next level seemed natural (especially now that she’s dating one of those hairy-legged boys). I was delighted to learn that she felt the same way I did. We talked about how vibrators should be “marital aids” for couples who mutually agree on their use, not “masturbation aids” for single teens. Think about it… if a young woman walks into marriage already addicted to using a vibrator to achieve orgasm, how is that going to make her husband feel? What if he has a problem with it? Shouldn’t he be involved in the decision about whether to include something like this in the marriage bed, since it involves him too? While there’s certainly nothing in the Bible that leads me to believe that the use of vibrators is sinful, it IS a matter of personal conscience, and while some couples are perfectly comfortable with them, others are not, and we need to respect one another’s comfort zones in marriage. After all, sexual intimacy isn’t just about achieving pleasure for ourselves. It’s about providing pleasure to your spouse, and operating within your spouse’s comfort zone is key to creating the safety and relational security that is vital in a healthy marriage.

Oprah’s friend, Gayle King, responded to Dr. Berman’s suggestion with the comment, “Oh, no! Too much information!” Oprah replied, “But teenage girls already HAVE this information!” Granted, most older teenage girls have heard about vibrators. So perhaps we should be talking with them and answering their questions. But I don’t think we should be recommending them, or providing them. I think we need to encourage self-control, and coach them on how to delay that gratification until they can enjoy it freely, without shame or inhibition, with their husbands someday.

A mom in the audience said that she was listening to Dr. Berman’s suggestion and considering how to apply it to the raising of her teenage son. “I’m thinking that purchasing a vibrator for a daughter would be the equivalent of purchasing pornography for my son, and I can’t fathom that this would be the right thing for me to do to raise a sexually healthy son.” I agree wholeheartedly. Our kids have a hard enough time resisting sexual temptation without unnecessary introductions to pornography and marital aids. Let’s not make their battle harder than it needs to be. Teens need to be taught self-control, not self-gratification. Frequent self-gratification will most likely turn them into “selfish lovers,” and our future sons-in-law and daughters-in-law deserve better.

So there you have it - my response to that particular Oprah episode. Sticky subject, I know. And I don’t expect that we will all agree on every nuance of this still-taboo topic, and that’s okay. Everyone’s sexuality is as unique as their fingerprint. But my hope is that we can respectfully discuss our own opinions and convictions with the goal of encouraging each other in how to raise sexually healthy daughters.

P.S. It’s still not too late to register yourself and/or your 6th - 12th grade child for this Saturday’s May 2nd BEST SEX Youth Conference at Lindale High School (90 minutes east of Dallas, 90 minutes west of Shreveport, 15 minutes north of Tyler). Just go to www.shannonethridge.com to register, or email your questions about the conference (where we’ll be teaching young people how to have the BEST SEX… by waiting until marriage!) to me personally at shannon@shannonethridge.com. There’s also a parent session TONIGHT, April 30th, at Fellowship of Prairie Creek Church in Lindale from 7-8:30pm. I’d love to meet you there!

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Lindale, TX - April 30, 2009
Parents are invited to come to Fellowship of Prairie Creek Church from 7 – 8:30 p.m. to learn more about the May 2nd BEST SEX Conference at Lindale High School. Call (903) 882-7597 for more info.

Lindale, TX - May 2, 2009
Join Shannon at Lindale High School for the BEST SEX Youth Conference as she teaches 6th – 12th graders how to have the BEST SEX… by waiting until marriage! Sponsored by FPCreek with all proceeds going toward Orphan Relief & Rescue. Click here to register, or call (903) 882-7597 for group registration info or other questions.

Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada - May 23, 2009
Shannon speaks at the Girl’s Night Out Conference at Moncton Wesleyan Church in Moncton, New Brunswick, Canada hosted by World Vision. For more info contact Helen Vannest at Helen_Vannest@worldvision.ca.

Belleville, Ontario, Canada - June 13, 2009
Shannon speaks at the Girl’s Night Out Conference in Belleville, Ontario, Canada hosted by World Vision. For more info contact Helen Vannest at Helen_Vannest@worldvision.ca.

Oshawa, Ontario, Canada - September 25 - 26, 2009
Shannon speaks at the Women's Conference hosted by the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada in Oshawa, Ontario, Canada. For more info contact Sandra Gill at sgill@attglobal.net.

Overland Park, KS - October 3, 2009
"Taking Your Marriage Over the Top" Conference at Overland Park Church of Christ in Overland Park, KS. For more info contact Tim Hall at tim.hall@opcofc.org.

Red Deer, Alberta, Canada - October 16 - 18, 2009
Shannon will be speaking at the Freshwind Conference hosted by the Pentecostal Assemblies of Canada. For more info contact Lori Patrick at lorip@abnwt.paoc.org.

Oxford Falls, Australia - October 29 - 31, 2009
Shannon will be speaking at the Everywoman Conference hosted by World Vision. For more info contact Tammy Edwards at tammye@ccc.org.au or go to http://www.everywomanconference.com/.

Sugar Land, TX - November 13 - 14, 2009
Shannon will be speaking at the Girls Reflecting Glory Conference at First Colony Church of Christ. For more info go to www.girlsreflectingglory.com.

St. Louis, MO - January 4 - 7, 2010
Shannon will be speaking at the National Conference on Youth Ministries. More info to come.

La Mirada, CA - February 6 - 10, 2010
Shannon will be speaking at BIOLA University. For more info contact Dennis Gaines at dennis.gaines@biola.edu.

Tyler, TX - July 30, 2010
"Girl’s Night Out" at Grace Community Church in Tyler, TX. For more info contact Crystal Smoker at crystalt@gcc.org.

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