Author and Advocate for Healthy Sexuality and Spirituality

Category Archives: Sexually Confident Wife

Ten Steps Toward Sexual Freedom- Part 2

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6. Forgive Yourself
Forgiving everyone else, but harboring resentment toward yourself isn’t going to fully sever any soul ties.  If you truly want to be free, you have to extend forgiveness toward the one your choices have hurt the most – yourself.  If you’re like me, you were really just a little girl trapped in a grown woman’s body when you experienced all those sexual encounters.  Forgive that little girl for being so hungry for attention and affection.  Give her what her heart’s been yearning for all along – unconditional love and acceptance.
 
7. Create a “No Contact” Rule
The worst thing you can do is go down your list and try to contact all of those old partners, even if it’s under the guise of “asking forgiveness” from them.  That makes about as much sense as an alcoholic returning to all of his favorite bars to say to the bartenders, “I’m sorry I came in here.  I’m not going to drink anymore.”  The bartender is thinking, Oh yeah, so why are you here?  If you’re really serious about cutting all soul ties, you’ll let go of any need you feel to reconnect with previous partners, regardless of how noble your reasons for wanting to do so may seem.
 
8.Create a “No Comparison” Rule
Forgive me if you’re offended by my conservative values, but if we weren’t legally married to the people we previously had sex with, we had no business having sex with them.  And we certainly have no business dragging a boatload of soul ties and sexual baggage into the bedroom we share with our husbands.  Commit to avoiding all comparisons of your husband to past partners – mentally, emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  Allow your husband to be the unique individual that he is, not the lesser version of someone else you’ve known.
 
9. Keep Your Slate Clean
Now that you’re aware of just how much residue remains after an inappropriate relational encounter, avoid deep emotional connections with any man you aren’t married to.  Establish firm boundaries in your work and social relationships such that you don’t find yourself in the middle of an emotional or sexual affair ever again.
 
10. Forget Intensity and Focus on Intimacy
Maybe these suggestions make you feel as if you are going on an emotional starvation diet.  Not reconnect with old male boyfriends?  Not flirt with my male co-workers?  Not meet new men in chat rooms?  Can’t I have any fun?  Yes, you can, but not at your own heart’s expense, which is ultimately what happens when we create soul ties with inappropriate people.  I know that such relational trysts create a lot of intensity, but intensity doesn’t last.  Intimacy does.  Focus on getting to know your spouse even better than you already do, and knowing yourself better.  Invest your energies into spicing up your own love life rather than trying to create a new one.  And when you are successful, your level of sexual confidence will soar!
 
Perhaps you’re reading these steps toward sexual freedom and thinking, There’s no way I can be that honest with myself!  I don’t think I want to know the real truth because the truth hurts!  Indeed, facing the truth can hurt, but not nearly as much as ignoring it and letting history repeat itself.

Miss Part Of The Series?
Part 1

 

by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2008.  All Rights Reserved. Published by Random House Inc, New York, NY. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval. 

Ten Steps Toward Sexual Freedom- Part 1

1. Admit that Your Sexual Identity Needs Reshaping
Nothing ever gets fixed as long as we deny that it’s broken.  Listen to your life.  Hear what your soul is trying to say.  Let your sexual choices and feelings guide you into a greater level of wisdom and self-understanding.  It’s okay to feel sexually broken or to have soul ties that still need cutting.  However, it’s not okay to stay there, ignoring your need for healing and freedom.

 

2. Make Your Own List

As painful as the process may be, a comprehensive list of all romantic pursuits and sexual encounters will reveal a great deal.  For each partner, ask yourself, “Why did I have sex with him?” or “Why was I romantically involved with that person at all?”  Work your way down the list one person at a time, making note of your responses.

 

3. Identify the Theme

Once your list is made, take an honest look at the big picture.  What common themes become evident?  What do most of these men (or women) have in common?  What does that tell you?

 

4. Learn the Lesson

Based on what you’ve learned so far, what revelations are you able to receive?  Do you recognize what it is that you’ve really been looking for?  What area of neediness have you been trying to satisfy through dysfunctional relationships?

How has that worked for you?

 

5. Forgive Others

While it’s easy to throw a stone at all of the people on our list for using or abusing us, we have to recognize that in many instances, we’ve taught them how to treat us.  It takes two to tango, and we all play a part in the dance of dysfunction.  A healthy woman wouldn’t have fallen prey to an unhealthy man’s schemes.  Ignoring our part and harboring resentment toward him for his part is like you drinking poison while hoping he dies.  Such bitterness does you no good.  Do yourself a favor.  Forgive the people on your list.  Declare that they don’t owe you anything.  Acknowledge that they were most likely in the same boat as you – seeking to medicate their own emotional pain while clueless as to what damage was really being done.

continued…

 

by Shannon Ethridge. Copyright 2008.  All Rights Reserved. Published by Random House Inc, New York, NY. Used by Permission. Not to be copied without Publisher’s prior written approval.